Profit, people or penury. We need a stiff drink – if only the pubs were open

So just how far apart do we all need to stand? Unfortunately, it’s still impossible to agree. “The reality is that there is not a fixed science on this,” sighed Edward Argar, a junior health minister, in the Commons yesterday. “The UK, Canada, Estonia and Spain have a two-metre rule. The US has 1.8 metres. Belgium, Australia, Germany and Italy have 1.5 metres. South Korea, 1.4 metres.

“France, one metre …”

Some curious-looking numbers in there. If the distance in the US sounds weirdly precise, it’s worth noting that 1.8 metres is the same as six feet, which is a much more helpful way of putting it. Calling it 1.8 metres makes it difficult to picture. Imagine the confusion in American supermarket queues.

“Say, Earl, are we a full 1.8 metres behind the guy in front?”

“Don’t think so, Barb. Looks a lot like 1.7 metres to me. Let’s step back an extra 0.1 metres, just to be sure.”

The really peculiar-sounding rule, though, was the South Korean one: 1.4 metres – which, no less confusingly, is four feet seven inches.

According to Imran Ahmad Khan (Con, Wakefield), it equates to “two arm lengths”. Then again, how can two people be certain there are two arm lengths between them, unless they both stretch out an arm, and touch each other’s fingertips – thus breaking the rule, and possibly infecting each other?

Honestly. What a minefield.

MPS were discussing all this because of an Urgent Question posed by Greg Clark, the Tory chairman of the science and technology select committee.

Boris Johnson, complained Mr Clark, had promised to complete a review of the two-metre rule by now – yet it was still nowhere to be seen. Mr Argar promised him that the review would be finished “as quickly as possible”.

Tory MPS weren’t happy. Keeping the distance at two metres, they protested hotly, would be disastrous for businesses, in particular pubs and restaurants. Mr Clark wanted to know whether the distance could be cut, if everyone wore masks.

Mind you, that might not help pubs much: the mask would surely make drinking tricky. Perhaps beer will have to be served in syringes, and taken intravenously.

Opposition MPS, however, sounded reluctant to change the rule. Richard Burgon (Lab, Leeds East) and Kate Osborne (Lab, Jarrow) both accused the Tories of wanting to “put profit before people”. (Tories might retort that it’s putting jobs before penury.) Dr

Philippa Whitford (SNP, Central Ayrshire) said reopening pubs was risky because people sit together in them for hours. (True enough. Perhaps the Government should launch a public health campaign, promoting the benefits of lone drinking.)

So what’s the answer? Maybe there isn’t one. “Easing the two-metre rule will cost more lives – and not easing it will lead to millions unemployed,” lamented Emma Lewell-buck (Lab, South Shields).

After hearing that, I suspect we could all do with a stiff drink. If only the pub were open.