Maître d’ of the Commons serves us up a fresh message

Michael Deacon

Tory MPS loved the sound of Rishi Sunak’s restaurant meal deal. They had just one quibble. Hadn’t Boris Johnson said, mere days earlier, that he wanted people to lose weight? To get “fighting fit” and therefore less vulnerable to the virus?

Thankfully, the Government was listening – and, yesterday, it gave its answer. From Saturday July 25, gyms will finally be permitted to reopen.

Patriots can help save the economy with a 14-inch Pizza Hut Meat Feast with Stuffed Crust, a Jalapeño Poppers side and some Triple Chocolate Cookie Dough – and then help save the NHS by going straight to Fitness First.

It is not only gyms that will be reopening. Also returning by the end of the month will be swimming pools (both indoor and outdoor), leisure centres and other sports facilities. Oh, and beauty salons, tattoo parlours, nail bars and massage studios.

Making the announcement at a Downing Street press conference was Oliver Dowden, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport.

He may not be one of the Cabinet’s best-known faces, but something about his manner feels strangely familiar. Frightfully polite. Crisply spoken. A little prim and fussy (typical phrases: “I’m pleased to say”, “I very much regret”). He often tries to smile at the same time as he speaks, and, while listening, cocks his head to one side and frowns with gentle concern.

In other words, he’s like a slightly over-attentive maître d’.

“Everything all right with your meal, madam? Sir? Everything all right with your meal? Marvellous. “Anything else at all? Sir? Madam? “Excellent. Wonderful. Perfect.” Anyway, he sounded terribly excited about his big news. In just two weeks, he trilled, people would “no longer have to work out in their park or on their living room floor. They’ll be able to get back in the gym, and jump on that spin bike or treadmill for the first time in months!” You could really hear that exclamation mark.

The BBC’S Laura Kuenssberg asked him what sanctions there would be for flouting social distancing rules. He said the Government would take the “necessary measures”, but didn’t say what. Perhaps he thought it would be impolite. “I’ve been tremendously heartened by how the British people have behaved,” he gushed.

Dutifully, he reeled off the latest slogan: “It’s time to eat out to help out!” he beamed.

Note the change of message. Essentially, it’s gone from “Stay Home” to “Go Out”. Or rather: “Go Out and Get Spending.”