It’s the Tiktok generation putting my freedom at risk

I’ve been a bit shruggy, a bit what-can-you-do laissez-faire about seeing young people gathering in parks. But then came the scare that the over-50s might have to be locked up because of a rise in infection rates… and I’ve gone militant.

How dare they jeopardise my freedom (even though I’m only 38, obviously) and that of my mum chums who are probably the last people still fastidiously washing our hands and will continue to do so when Happy Birthday segues into Last Christmas.

We’ve been masking-up at the first opportunity, dutifully not holding all-night raves or pub-crawling. We are not guilty of the social infractions the younger generation is carelessly committing several times a day.

Across Britain and Europe, there is growing evidence that young people are fuelling a surge in Covid-19 infections and, frankly, putting the rest of us and the economy at risk.

And I’ll be damned if anyone tries to put this baby in the corner. The only reasonable solution is for Them to stay home and let Us walk free. But how to convince them? Tiktok, that’s how.

In case you weren’t aware, this social network for sharing video clips is huge. Its influence is vast. It might just look like funny dances to you and me – but accruing followers to watch your funny dancing is the hottest new currency since Bitcoin.

The ultimate British stars are Holly H, with 16.6million fans, and Jamil Jamel Neffati, twin brothers popularly known as the Neffati Brothers, who have around 10million. They need to be harnessed for the common good and persuaded to tell their captive audience that it’s far cooler to hang out indoors rather than drink unbranded vodka with hundreds of their closest friends on the nearest piece of waste ground.

Admittedly, it’s a bit of a hard sell, but we could all threaten them with the nuclear alternative. Either they stay home and throw shapes on Tiktok – or we will hack their accounts and record ourselves mum dancing for all the world to see…