Judith WOODS

Do you lie awake at night worrying about the alienating tyranny of tech? I know I do, and not just because I don’t know how to switch off the blue light on my phone that disrupts sleep. Listen closely to the carefully modulated voices of our virtual assistants and it’s impossible to escape the dread conclusion that we are destined to drown in estuary English.

I’m no Professor Higgins but Siri, Alexa, Echo and the rest – they all sound like London estate agents carefully trying to conceal their mild contempt at our feeble ignorance.

It’s even more patronising when they say things like “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that” when everyone knows getting “ankled” in Bristol is the same as being “steamboats” in Glasgow and a Northumberland “stotty” is a Yorkshire “scuffler”. This jarring disconnect goes some way to explaining our love-hate relationship with purportedly life-enhancing technology. And indeed why my friend’s Scottish husband scathingly tells his children to “away and ask Posh” when they need help with a school project.

But hark! In a fight-back against the dehumanising effects of digitalisation, Amazon’s Alexa is now being schooled in Britain’s rich vernacular. Apparently, she’s being introduced to terms like “elevenses”. And “munchies”. I haven’t the foggiest (ooh, there’s another one!) why, but it’s mint, braw, and champion to see the deep cyberstate that controls us finally acknowledging we humble end-users have feelings. Having said that, the bizarre inclusion of archaisms such as “toodle-pip” and “poppycock” would suggest she’s being taught by a Bertie Wooster algorithm which bodes ill for the whole endeavour.

Crucially, there are no plans for her to adopt any sort of authentic accent. So however well intentioned the addition of “Hank Marvin” to mean very hungry, we must prepare ourselves for endless reruns of the “new small talk” scene in My Fair Lady. “And what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me?” Alexa will cry, unbidden: “Somebody pinched it, and what I say is, them as pinched it, done her in.”

While it’s always marvellous fun to get one over on technology, a little more linguistic nuance is to be welcomed, especially if the most important 100 synonyms in the English language are included.

So far, no smart device has mastered this fabulously diverse, uniquely British lexicon that transcends age, race, class and gender yet makes perfect sense in every home from Land’s End to John O’groats. Some call it the thingummyjig, others the doodah. The wotsit is acceptable as indeed is the zapper. Everybody knows what you mean when you refer to the gizmo, the dibber, clicker and, in my house, the doofer (as in “it’ll do for that”).

Because let’s face it, the best, most noble use for any artificial intelligence is to counteract the human stupidity of misplacing the TV remote.