‘Working out makes me an even more devoted parent’
Listen: I’m the first to admit that, if you’re a little too lean and limber at a certain stage of your child’s life, things look a bit suspicious. Eight per cent body fat and you spend more time prepping your meals than your toddler’s? Priorities, papa.
Know the names of more local Strava segments than of your son’s friends? Dodgy, daddy-o. Wife seems constantly exhausted while you’re posting #whatsyourexcuse next to your 90-minute workouts? OK, this one’s just objectively terrible.
But does that mean that any effort to better yourself physically is just a waste of those precious, fleeting moments with your child that you should be treasuring like tiny gems? Obviously not. Also, after a certain tipping point, every precious, fleeting moment you spend with your child makes you actually like them less. Don’t be upset, that’s just science. Anyway. First, let’s dispense with the myth that working out has to take up a significant chunk of your life. Since the start of lockdown, I’ve been training for about 30 minutes a day, three times a week, and I’m basically in better shape than Antonio Banderas in Desperado (until superhero films were invented, this was the closest thing we had to a universal constant for male jackedness). Ninety minutes a week is nothing: it’s probably less time than I spend browsing streaming services for something actually good to watch, and it’s definitely less time than I spend on Twitter. Next, there’s the fact that the time I spend at the gym, unlike the time I spend coming up with bon mots to fling at strangers, almost certainly makes me a better dad. Everyone who’s ever spent any significant amount of time rebuilding and re-rebuilding a gigantic marble run knows that you need a break occasionally, and the occasional half-hour that I get to spend blissfully free of my toddler makes me a lot more appreciative of his company. Good workouts should energise rather than exhaust you, and a good workout programme will leave you healthy, happy, and more up for rambunctious play than endless afternoons in front of the football. Work out hard, then play with your children even harder.
Oh, and if you feel the need to spend more time working out than your spouse is willing to watch the kids for, there’s nothing to stop you getting the latter involved. Among my three-year-old’s favourite pastimes is Crazy Horse, a game where he clings to my shoulders as I do bear crawls and diver bomber press-ups: I get a core workout, he gets the giggles, and my wife gets nearly two minutes of blessed relief from both of us. While I know that’s probably going to get old by the time he’s, oh, 15 or so, I can’t wait to start introducing him to everything from cricket to rock climbing to see what sticks.
PE left me cold (and muddy) as a child, but my dad gave me a love of long walks that’s always stuck with me, and I’d like to find something similar to share with my son. I’d also like to share it with him for a while. We’re becoming parents older than ever, and fewer jobs keep us physically active. With exercise a key factor in staving off everything from early death to dementia, it’s one of the best investments you can make in ensuring you’re around to support your kids for years to come.
Finally: don’t do yourself a disservice, dads. Sure, a scientifically representative sample of women might say that gym bods give off a whiff of “pluralistic mating strategies”, but my much-lessscientific survey of every woman I’ve asked confirms they all still fancy
Aquaman star Jason Momoa. Being invested in your own wellbeing doesn’t make you any less of a devoted partner, dutiful dad or dedicated bringer home of bacon: in fact, it’ll probably help. Now,
go do some squats.