Home (un)improvement The ‘frightfuls’ to avoid at all costs
As Prince Charles’s estate issues strict new rules, Shane Watson offers a few of her own
This has been a big week for house judging. News broke that residents of Nansledan – a new village outside Newquay on Prince Charles’s estate in Cornwall – must abide by 85 “house” rules. These include a ban on visible washing lines and satellite dishes, plastic blinds and external drainage pipes. Flags are also not allowed, as well as bins up front, other than on delivery day.
The list of “frightfuls” (said to have been issued by the Duchy of Cornwall and not the Prince himself) has struck many as a tad snobbish. Then again, who does love a giant wheelie bin on permanent display? Whose heart gladdens at the sight of a satellite dish, or a whirly bird groaning with other people’s smalls? Draconian it may be, but it also gets you thinking about all the things you would ban if you were hell bent on preserving the charming appearance of your local community.
And once you get going the list is surprisingly long; it makes PC’S (sorry, the Duchy of Cornwall’s…) conditions seem a bit like the tip of the iceberg.
Here are our Not in Our Back Yard rules. Look away now if you are inclined to take offence easily.
Topiaried box balls or bay trees. In black planters either side of the front door. Fine. But they have a tendency to take over, and make the entrance to the house look like the front of a boutique hotel. If you don’t mind getting people’s hopes up… OK.
‘Interesting’ outdoor paint colours. We’ve all thought “What the hell, let her paint her front door sugar pink and her windows purple if that’s what she wants to do”, and then later realised we are very glad not to be living opposite that sugarcoloured house. Life is so much more restful if everyone is feeling Farrow & Ball Mouse’s Back or Elephant’s Breath or whatever’s doing the rounds this year.
Christmas wreaths left on front doors well into January or February. Ditto Halloweeny decorations.
Plastic garden furniture.
The white armchairs you get to sit in at the car wash and the matching bendy-legged table with the coffee stains. Never cheered anyone up and hard to stack.
Barbecues. Seriously. Why should a big plastic dustbin be so much worse than a big ugly barbecue with a great big all-weather cover? No idea.
Giant Ibiza club-style outdoor furniture. You know: those jumbo day beds and sofas and seating areas you might more usually find at a beach club or in an outdoor bar on the seafront in Kalkan. Way too much. Maybe in your Santa Barbara pad as featured on Selling Sunset, but not wedged into the back garden.
Jacuzzis. The worst. Excema central, apart from anything. And in no way good to look at, especially not when occupied.
Carports. The car, or two cars, parked right in front of the house, where the garden used to be, is now just paving and a hulking four-door blocking out natural light in the sitting room.
Rectangular cantilevered parasols that look like you got them from the Radisson Dubai. Must umbrellas be so big? Why must everything in the garden be vast and impossible to store?
Bicycles. Put them in the bike shed, or hook ’em up behind the garden gate down the side return. No one wants to see all the family bikes, all the time.
Tremendous lengths of hose attached to a tap. We can’t talk. We have a giant green hose looped up outside our back door where we sit in the evening with a glass of wine looking directly at it and the drain pipe. But with our PC hat on, we’d probably find a solution – say, a little hut for it? – that could double as a resting spot for the wine cooler? It’s more eyesore than frightful, so no panic.
The wrong sort of pots or planters. Not easy to get this right. Purists will insist on terracotta with zero fancy embellishments. We’re betting PC has some strong opinions on pots, eg no to the turquoise ginger jar or the angular black sort.
Wind chimes. No one should have to put up with them. Slipknot playing at a low level would be preferable.
Bunting. Fairy lights. Flares. All the fripperies of the circus. Nice for a bit back in the Nineties but Really Must Move On.
Furniture visibly obstructing the window. Eg, bedheads and backs of sofas taking up half the window and making you wonder what the hell else is going on in the room.
And while we’re at it… indoors: Rainbow curated books. Sorry if you spent all last night arranging your books according to the colour of their jackets but what were you thinking? We do like a block of orange paperback Penguins, and obviously a decorative spine is always better than a boring white one, but No Colour Blocking in the house. It’s madness. It will also make your home look like the set of Play School.
Where we beg to differ from Prince Charles’s Duchy Estate: Awnings. PC has it in for awnings, they are on his list, but as far as we’re concerned, awnings are due a revival. Lovely faded green stripe outside the French windows into the garden – what’s not to like? And infinitely preferable, surely, to one of those giant cantilevered umbrellas.
Paddling pools. We’re guessing PC doesn’t like a paddling pool (too plastic, too noisy) but we have a lot of affection for them, particularly the old-school, low-sided sort. Any paddling pool has to be better than the alternative, which is an enclosed trampoline or one of those mini bouncy castles. PC has banned ball games at Nansleden, so garden entertainment there must be.
Hammocks. PC may be a hammock fan but he almost certainly regards them as a luxury requiring a couple of oak trees and a wide open view. We think you can make a hammock work with a skinny tree and a fence and it’s always worth a go.
Water features. Same thing, PC will think. Adore a fountain, if it’s the one at Stokesay Court (Keira Knightley’s family house in Atonement) but simply can’t abide a grotty garden centre gimmick. A very small pond with a water chute and goldfish can be nice.
Fake grass. Fake grass is bound to be on his list and it is unnatural and bad in many ways but we have found ours to be a relief after the slippery, mosquito breeding, rat attracting decking. Also has the advantage of being unsuitable for barbecues.
Fancy doorknockers. Should not be judged. We have a lizard, it was a present, and now that we have it other plain brass doorknockers seem a bit disappointing, like plastic blinds.
No one should have to put up with wind chimes. Slipknot playing would be preferable