‘Please hold for our latest excuse for lack of service’
I’m sorry but, due to the coronavirus, this column is unavailable at this time. Your custom is very important to us. Should you wish to speak to an operator… dream on, frankly. Because we are in the middle of a global pandemic, you may find it easier to access services online. In fact, we are encouraging you to use our online services by not providing any other kind. Please choose from the following options:
1. Go away, I’m watching the French Open.
2. For our latest Covid-safe policies, please visit can’t-bearsed-dot-com.
3. The wait time for the dental surgery is three minutes. Please continue to hold.
4. Our store is now closed until further notice. To return your delivery, please take it to your nearest DPD drop-off point.
5. No, you can’t register your father’s death. Don’t you know there’s a pandemic on?
6. Bank opening hours are now 10 to 3, except between the hours of 10 to 3.
7. You may experience delays due to Covid-19. These will go on until the spring of 2021, and quite possibly longer. Depends how long we can string it out.
8. The wait time for the dental surgery is three minutes. Please continue to hold.
9. You are number 33,471 in the queue. Your call is important to us, but we’d rather you got furious and hung up because Denise is working from home. And Nadal is at match point.
10. If you are suffering from the symptoms of Covid-19, or if you live with anyone who has symptoms, or if you have been to any retail outlet or venue in the past 14 days where someone’s auntie was rumoured to have tested positive, you can syringe your own bloody ears.
11. The wait time for the dental surgery is three minutes. Please continue to hold.
12. Because of Covid, the DPD drop-off point is now closed. To
return your parcel, consult our online booking service.
13. The online booking facility at this surgery is suspended due to Covid-19. Do NOT attempt to visit in person. You will be forced to stand in a queue in the rain outside, where you will develop hypothermia. That’ll teach you for bothering us with your “tumour” during a global pandemic.
14. We are unable to deliver your contact lenses because you have not attended your annual check-up. The next available appointment for a contact lens check-up is in December.
15. If your child has forgotten their water bottle, they must not drink from a school tap. They may, however, stand outside in the playground with their mouth open and hope that it rains, while maintaining social distancing measures.
16. Sorry, it is not permitted to eat sweets at Hallowe’en due to the coronavirus. For further details of disproportionate council regulations, please consult our website page, Covid Safe, Safer, Safest.
17. Until further notice, Wednesdays are now closed. Thursdays will be moved to alternate weeks due to staffing shortages caused by the coronavirus pandemic.
18. If you have punctured your eardrum while syringing your ear, please do not come in to the surgery. Dial 111 and await further excuses.
19. Just because, you know, Covid, blah blah, Covid.
20. The dental surgery is now closed. You can listen to this message again in the morning.