At PMQS, a moribund Starmer ‘Fawlters’ as the Prime Minister appears to get his mojo back
After weeks of agreement, yesterday’s PMQS provided a bat-squeak of divergence. True, the ideological rift between Labour and Tory is still like deciding between shades of taupe on a Dulux colour chart, but if we must live on planet lockdown, at least we can choose the forms of incarceration.
As jailers, Sir Keir Starmer favours a “lock ’em up and throw away the key” approach with solitary confinement and no ciggies. The PM offers a more cheerful form; you’re locked down all right, but he lets you use the exercise yard and may even allow conjugal visits for good behaviour.
The Leader of the Opposition dodged the L word carefully as he harangued the Prime Minister: “Sage gave very clear advice; they said a package of interventions including a circuit breaker will be needed to prevent an exponential rise in cases. Why did the PM reject that advice and abandon the science?”
“Circuit breaker” is politician-speak for second lockdown; but calling it this would remind us of its ineffective predecessor. If national lockdown three comes along, we can expect more electrical terminology (my money is on “fuse box” or “reset button”).
Energised by no longer being the biggest authoritarian in the room, Mr Johnson defended his tiers with gusto. Citing the “associated harms” of full lockdown, he concluded with Panglossian vim: “We can bring down the R, and we can bring down the virus!”
Sir Keir would not be drawn. “I don’t think that approach goes far enough”, he said of his own position from two days ago, “and neither does Sage”. But his delivery was moribund; as “Keir’s for Fears” spouted statistics about hospitalisations, it reminded me of Mr Carnegie, the health inspector from Fawlty Towers, who reels off Basil’s multiple contraventions of hygiene regulations. Instead of “dirty cracked and greasy floors” and “evidence of smoking in food preparation areas”, we had a rising R-rate and growing hospital admissions. I half expected Starmer to sign off with “and there are two dead pigeons in the water tank”.
Then he unveiled his trump card – the Conservative leader of Bolton council.
“Keep up, Prime Minister,” he smirked. But he had veered away from his usual forensic analysis and attention to detail. To Tory delight, Bolton’s council leader spent the afternoon furiously demanding an apology.
Oblivious, Sir Keir dialled up the sanctimony: “I know that for someone who’s been an opportunist all his life this is difficult to understand. But having read and considered the Sage advice, I have genuinely concluded that a circuit break is in the national interest… genuinely concluded”, he repeated for dramatic effect.
The PM saw the opening and took it. “Opportunism is the name of the game for the party opposite!”, he roared. “He voted to do nothing last night… nothing in the areas where the incidence is high!” Mr Johnson, it seems, had some of his mojo back.