Hallowe’en: anyone for trick and trace?
As the clocks change, we will really miss those celebrations that bring light and good cheer into this dark time of year but are now cancelled due to the wretched virus. Might it be possible to salvage some festivities to keep up morale? Funnily enough, an exchange of emails on that very topic between the Department of Health and the occupational health and safety manager for a district council just came into my hands:
Dear Minister, Forgive the intrusion, but October 31 is fast approaching and councillors are concerned that traditional pursuits such as trick or treating and apple bobbing are not “Covid-safe”. We have heard informally that Hallowe’en is cancelled, but the news does not seem to have reached Bintley Wayward. Far from! Pumpkins have been spotted on doorsteps suggesting covert carving activity in contravention of Subsection 13b of the Dangerous Entertainment and Fun guidance. It is not clear to me if the guidance has become law yet although it could be part of that Bill you rushed through Parliament at 4am on Monday when no one was looking?
I personally organised a police raid on a supermarket where 200 Witch Sustainables and 47 Skeleton Fancy Dresses were confiscated. Sadly, there was a scuffle in the changing rooms whilst an attempt was made to remove a seven-yearold child from a T-rex onesie. As you know, trying on garments of any kind is strictly forbidden. It is wholly disproportionate and unfair for the child’s mother – a barrister, worse luck! – to sue the council and me personally for child endangerment.
Like you, I’m sure, I was shocked to read that one in five Britons don’t know what lockdown tier their area is in! Some 17 per cent are unaware of the tier system altogether! We may need to start isolating such individuals in camps for their
own safety. I’m sure Secretary of State Hancock has something in mind. At this time of global pandemic, I would appreciate any official advice on how to further suppress Hallowe’en and its revellers.
Yours sincerely
Mr Clockwell
Dear Mr Clockwell,
The minister shares your concerns. However, we believe Hallowe’en can be enjoyed safely while getting the message across. Here are some ideas:
Rule of Six: In England, you may not have more than six individuals in your home excluding ghosts and poltergeists. Being noncorporeal they are not believed to increase transmission.
Masks: People may be wearing a mask anyway, so a face covering can easily be incorporated into costumes. However, any good may be undone if multiple hands rummage in the sweets bucket. Suggest tying individual bags of confectionery to a fence or telling children that too much sugar is bad for them. If they get fat the Covid Monster will devour them.
Apple bobbing: Potentially hazardous as droplets may be exchanged. Suggest numbering individual apples and assigning each child a number. Change the bowl of water between goes.
Trick or Trace: Instead of receiving sweets, recommend that youngsters collect positive Covid-19 tests as they go door to door. This will be a huge help to the test and tracking operation. Baroness Harding has assured us that the £12.6 billion has not been wasted. The Chinese man she gave it to says he has already delivered 1,346 million pieces of PPE and the testing kits will be with us by Christmas. Please do NOT collect any negative tests. The minister feels they are unhelpful at this time.
Of course, the safest option of all is that people stay at home and watch something scary with their loved ones. Any news bulletin will do...