All those in favour of saving Bingo’s balls…

In a time of crisis we realise what’s truly important. Clearly, that can be summed up in two words: Bingo’s balls. A week later and I am still wading through an unprecedented avalanche of emails on the benefits and drawbacks of cockapoo castration.

“An intact Bingo could sire generations of valuable offspring,” points out Charlie. He has a point. Since lockdown-induced doggy mania, cockapoo puppies are now attracting up to a staggering £3,500 each.

Sire a litter of seven and Bingo will basically have earned the national average wage. But would I want him to remain intact just on the off chance? No, says Sue, owner of Benny, another cockapoo. “Unless you want to breed from him, you are consigning him to a life of Phwoar without ever being able to get a leg over. Imagine! So unfair!”

Tim disagrees. “Don’t you dare have Bingo castrated. Would you do that to your son or your husband just to ‘calm him down’? Perhaps don’t answer that! Leave the lad alone and let him be as nature intended.”

Are male readers marginally more protective of Bingo’s undercart than women? Yes, but only narrowly. An authority on the subject, David Tomlinson, the gundog correspondent for Shooting Times no less, says, “In many European countries, it’s illegal to castrate pet dogs. Castration is invariably for the convenience of the owner, not the health of the animal.”

Gosh, you lot are brilliant at advice. Next, we may move on from challenging canines to ungrateful dependent children.