The queasy sight of celebs not finding their sea legs
Ever secretly longed to watch a selection of C-list celebrities losing the contents of their stomachs at sea? Boy, did prime-time ITV have the programme for you. Don’t Rock the Boat (ITV) saw so much VIP vomiting, it resembled a food poisoning outbreak at a red carpet awards show.
Airing all week, this seafaring series saw 12 celebrities (I use the term loosely) tackling what was bombastically billed as “one of TV’S toughest ever challenges” – namely rowing the length of Britain. It was
I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! meets one of those SAS shows where bearded ex-soldiers shout at civilians in the Brecon Beacons.
My heart initially sank at the calibre of stars involved. The casting was skewed towards in-house ITV types – alumni of Coronation Street, Love Island, Emmerdale, The X Factor and The Chase. Happily, there were more intriguing signings too: former Olympians Denise Lewis and Victoria Pendleton, plus former Labour MP Tom Watson, aka the incredible shrinking politician.
The damp dozen were split into two crews and embarked on the race’s first leg – rowing 90 nautical miles from St Ives to Pembrokeshire. Choppy waters meant seasickness spread through the
ranks. Red Dwarf’s Craig Charles was soon losing his dignity from both ends. “Oh, the glamour,” he groaned. He was promptly joined in the sick bay by a Pussycat Doll and Pendleton, who actually fainted on-camera.
Women outshone the men, with Lewis and supermodel Jodie Kidd skippering the crews impressively. Pendleton became her team’s engine room, while insisting that she wasn’t that competitive, honest. Elder statesman Watson showed surprising stamina as he stoically put in a fivehour non-stop stint. If only he’d propelled his parliamentary career this well.
The repetitive nature of longdistance rowing meant it wasn’t the most thrilling spectacle. Producers skirted this problem by bringing pairs of contestants ashore for adrenalinefuelled “land challenges”. The copresenters were amiable-but-generic duo AJ Odudu and Freddie Flintoff, who’s in danger of becoming a tad too ubiquitous on-screen nowadays.
The format won’t win any awards for originality. It was essentially Strictly Come Paddling or Britain’s Got Oars. Yet it was engaging enough, thanks to the gruelling nature of the task, the crews’ camaraderie and the chance to watch celebrities in extremis. With the nation soon back under lockdown, it was also a treat to see some stunning coastal scenery. Even if it was accompanied by the queasy sound of spewing.
According to Deliveroo: Secrets of Your Takeaway (Channel 4), the city of Birmingham orders more curries and drinks more prosecco than anywhere else in the UK. Shot over eight months, this film told the behind-the-scenes story of how Britain’s fastest-growing food delivery firm revolutionised the takeaway industry – and how it’s navigating the storm which has buffeted the hospitality industry this year.
Founder and CEO Will Shu was enlightening on the early years of his game-changing gastronomic app.
It was inspired by his dismay at his City banker colleagues all eating microwave paellas from Tesco.
We saw how customers, couriers and restaurants are now connected by an algorithm nicknamed “Frank”.
The restaurateurs selling their wares through Deliveroo were candid about the toll that the pandemic has taken on their business. “I have high hopes it’s all going to be over in a couple of months,” said Verity Foss from vegan diner chain Oowee. A few months later, Oowee was facing financial ruin.
Unfortunately, this documentary seemed without narrative purpose or thesis. At times it felt like a puff piece, keen to sell this global empire as one big happy family. In return for access all areas, filmmakers were reluctant to ask tough questions, skipping over the copious flaws of the gig economy. It was mentioned in passing that Deliveroo riders got no sick pay or employment rights. This went dumbly unexplored.
Deliveroo’s battle with arch rival Uber Eats was touched upon but not pursued. There were missed opportunities at every turn. As 2020 unfolded, with restaurants closing, pivoting to takeaways, then reopening at half-capacity, you got the sense that the goalposts were moving so rapidly, the programme struggled to keep up. Ultimately, this frustrating film felt like a disappointing takeaway. It left us hungry for something more substantial.
Don’t Rock The Boat ★★★ Deliveroo: Secrets of Your Takeaway ★★