Rishwind the Wizard shakes the magic money tree

Rishi Sunak’s statements to the House have become a form of economic sorcery. With a wave of the wand or flutter of the magic money tree, Rishwind the Wizard can transform livelihoods, save lives, and salvage industries from the brink of collapse.

And our Chancellor, the Tories’ anointed cherub, is doubly blessed.

Between his pleasant bedside manner and reassuringly buoyant quiff – imagine Danny Zuko on the Deloitte graduate scheme – he wields an almost mystical power compelling usually thrifty Tory MPS to applaud fiscal incontinence and ignore mounting debt.

“What I know”, he gestured as he vowed to extend the furlough scheme to spring 2021, “is that the support we are providing will protect millions of jobs. What I know is that it is never wrong to convey confidence in this country and our economy.”

‘It was as reassuring as your spouse doubling the life insurance days before that remote yachting trip’

At this, the PM barked approvingly: “Absolutely right! Absolutely right!”

The assembled Tory backbenchers applauded like trained walruses. Yet I couldn’t quite follow their logic. Though the extension certainly gives short-term relief to many businesses, it hardly inspires confidence that this lockdown will be any more “temporary” and “time-limited” than the three-week jaunt which morphed into a six-month marathon last spring. For firms drowning in debt, all of this must be as reassuring as your spouse doubling the life insurance days before that remote yachting trip.

Then Anneliese Dodds, shadow chancellor, rose to her feet, mingling fury and Presbyterianism gloom. “Businesses and workers have been pleading for certainty from this government! Will the Chancellor apologise to those who’ve already. Been. Made. Redundant because of these delays”, she caterwauled, jabbing her finger accusingly with each word.

Somehow, however, Dodds’s blows didn’t land. Maybe it was her accusatory tone, which took me back to the horrors of Double Chemistry, or perhaps just the arguments themselves.

Sunak took particular umbrage when Caroline Lucas called the Treasury’s largesse into question: “We have spent over £14 billion to protect the selfemployed … and that generosity is only going to increase,” declared the Tory Chancellor – of other people’s money.

For all the rage of the Chamber, it was clear there is still only one game plan for Rishwind and his fellow sorcerers – shake the magic money tree until a vaccine magically appears.