Wagatha Christie
The husbands’ edition...
Adown-at-heel impresario takes to a deserted stage in an empty auditorium. A single spotlight picks him out in the gloom. And so the prologue to our pantomime begins…
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, apologies of the season.
Town halls are closed and the theatres shut, the show can’t go on – anything but! Cinderella’s come down with Covid, the Dwarfs are in isolation
And Peter Pan’s been nicked [voice drops to a loud whisper] – historic Lost Boys allegation…
Pantos are cancelled, we’re cast down and misty
But what’s this we spy? Why, it’s Wagatha Christie!”
Just when we feared that, this Christmas, there would be no alternative to festive episodes of potty-mouthed Mrs Brown and a (so help us) “saucy” reboot of Blankety Blank, we have been gifted a premierleague bust-up between Team Rooney and Team Vardy to entertain us.
What started as an Instagram squabble between two footballers’ wives was first given fresh momentum last week, when Rebekah Vardy, 38, won the first round of her High Court libel case against Coleen Rooney, 34.
Now we learn that their respective husbands – who have punctiliously avoided getting publicly involved so far – are to be brought out in support, rictus mouths smiling like awkward members of the Thai court, while mediation takes place between the two former friends in the middle of this cat fight. Yes, I know that sounds sexist but, frankly, it’s quicker that way.
If we scroll back to when this all kicked off, a few choice words and some major side eye in the candlelit antechamber of the sort of posh day spa that has real orchids rather than fabric ones – no biting, gouging or brok broken ac acrylics, by order of the ho house ouse – would have dignified the W WAGS’ spat just enough to re restore estore honour.
That That, and a night on the co cocktails, a mascaras smeared weep and finally uncoordinated cuddles in a cab, accompanied by loud declarations of undying sorority. All good.
Except, in the best panto tradition, oh no it isn’t! Divas, you see, do it d differently.
Given all the thighslapping and hearty laughter from the rival camps in this mighty she said-she said ding-dong, which by my count has now been rumbling on since last Oct October, when Coleen tur turned “Wagatha Christie” to d determine which of her frie friends was leaking stories abo about her to the tabloid pr press, I’ve fair lost the plot.
I’m also a bit hazy on who is th the lovely maiden and wh who is the principal boy in this high-camp, high netwo worth Roodunnit. But I think, on balance, both Rebekah and Coleen probably wear the trousers at home, so let’s keep it non-binary for now, while their fellas tiptoe about quietly in the wings, clutching each other in please-make-it-stop embarrassment.
Back under the proscenium arch, we return to our impresario, who’s looking noticeably more chipper…
“Coleen was vexed about leaks to the press
But who was the culprit? She took a wild guess.
For once, wandering Wayne wasn’t at fault
Maybe that’s why he backed her full-scale assault
To prove her hunch, Coleen turned detective
And her cyberforensics seemed highly effective Ring-fence social media and then post a whopper Then sit back to see if a friend came a-cropper
She says she only gave access to the WAG that she doubted It was Rebekah’s account that she publicly outed…”
I’m doing my best to steer clear of Ugly Sisters territory, but this provoked fury from Rebekah.
“I’m not being funny,” she responded at the time, “but I don’t need the money – what would I gain from selling stories on you?
“I liked you a lot, Coleen, and I’m so upset that you have chosen to do this, especially when I’m heavily pregnant. I’m disgusted that I even have to deny this. You should have called me the first time this happened.”
What Coleen did next has become the nub of the issue discussed in court this week: “I have saved and screenshotted all the original stories which clearly show just one person has viewed them. It’s… Rebekah Vardy’s account.”
The court ruled that the post “clearly identified” Rebekah as being “guilty of the serious and consistent breach of trust”. But minutes later, Coleen hit back via a spokesman, saying she was “keen” to hear what Vardy has to say in court.
Aren’t we all?
Who wouldn’t love to be a fly on the wall (or a mole in the camp) as these two alpha females square up for a showdown?
At which, our impresario reappears, sonorous and sorrowful – and full of apologies for spoiling the festive mood…
“The moment’s come to draw a veil and let these two withdraw
To shiver in their self-made chill and ponder how to thaw Relations between two matriarchs refusing to concede
As legal bills are mounting and others are in need
Who knows what’s driving them, two wealthy football wives
While Rashford’s fighting poverty
Changing children’s lives.
ei Call a truce and write a cheque, a lovely big donation, Then go buy shoes and coats and bags for the gaiety of the nation.”