‘My daughter was threatening to kill me and no one listened’
As new figures reveal the extent of child-on-parent abuse, one mother tells Antonia Hoyle her story
S‘I kept telling social services that if it were my partner doing this, they would act’
itting in the family living room, in front of a social worker, 15-yearold Daisy Long turned to her mother, Caroline, and threatened to kill her. “She said, quite calmly, ‘You know I will do it, and it won’t take me long’,” recalls Caroline. “The social worker seemed shocked – but didn’t do anything about it. I kept telling social services I was in danger, but they refused to help.”
Caroline had good reason to be concerned. For the past two years, Daisy had thrown knives and punched her, pinned her against the wall threatening to slit her throat, and plotted to poison her.
For almost as long, Shropshire council had ignored Caroline’s pleas for help – not only insisting that Caroline was safe, but that she risked being prosecuted if she refused to carry on letting Daisy live with her.
In July 2019, a fortnight after this latest warning and in despair, Caroline called the police. After she had spent a terrified, sleepless night barricaded in her bedroom to protect herself, Daisy was arrested. It was only then, forbidden from returning home under the conditions of her police bail, that authorities finally agreed to move her to a residential care home, where she remains today.
An independent investigation has laid bare significant wrongdoing by the council, whose social workers “disregarded the risks of significant harm identified”, “pressured” Caroline into housing her daughter and exposed her to “significant distress”.
The council has apologised to Caroline for what an ombudsman described as a “serious injustice”.
“I wanted to make sure the council’s failings were made public, to make sure lessons are learnt,” says Caroline. Child-to-parent violence is believed to affect between 3 and 10 per cent of families. New figures from 10 police forces show that more than 92,000 calls about such violence were recorded between January 2018 and June 2021.
Last August, research from the universities of Oxford and Manchester found 70 per cent of parents who have experienced child-to-parent abuse saw an increase in violent episodes during lockdown. Almost 30 per cent of young perpetrators are female and every demographic is affected. “We see middle-class parents – lawyers and doctors – whose children threaten to report them as abusers if they seek help and who fear losing their livelihoods,” says Michelle John, director of charity Parental Education Growth Support (pegsupport.co.uk). “There is no legislation clearly defining child-to-parent abuse and authorities often don’t know what to do.” Caroline suspects Daisy’s aggression stems from witnessing her father – who has a conviction for assaulting Caroline – being violent when she was a toddler. But despite feeling guilt, Caroline insists: “That shouldn’t be used as justification.”
Having given up her job working in family law to ensure she was always available to protect Daisy’s younger brother, Caroline hid all the knives in the home. She installed CCTV “so if Daisy did kill my son or I, police would know we hadn’t provoked her” and kept her son in her bed at night: “I was walking on eggshells, barely sleeping and started each day with a risk assessment of what she could use to hurt us.” Daisy – an imposing 6ft tall to Caroline’s 5ft 3in – researched online how to kill her mother. “We installed a parental app to monitor her laptop that showed she had Googled sentences such as ‘ways to kill your parents quickly’ and ‘how to poison someone with household stuff ’,” she recalls.
Yet although she was frequently left with bruises, Caroline’s fear was accompanied by love. “Daisy never apologised after being abusive – she blamed me for provoking her – but she could be funny and expressive. I didn’t blame her but we needed help. I kept telling social services that if it were my partner doing this to me they would act – but because it was my child it was different.” Now her daughter is no longer living at home, she and Daisy have a healthier relationship. “She comes to visit, but after a few hours, her behaviour starts to turn. She knows she can’t come back home,” says Caroline.
A Shropshire council spokesman declined to comment on the specifics of the case, but told The Daily Telegraph: “Shropshire council has accepted the findings of the ombudsman. The original complaint was made several years ago and an action plan was put in place to address the issues.”