Boris takes eco-troops to Eton playing fields in pitch to save Cop

‘The ball has moved down the pitch, but it is now stuck,” the Prime Minister told the press pack in the dingy surroundings of the Cop26 media room. He was describing the progress of the conference, or lack of it.

Rumours swirled that the Saudi Arabian delegates – normally so collegiate and cuddly – had been stymying efforts to clinch a deal. But the PM could have been talking about many things; not least his own efforts to divert attention towards the eco-jamboree in Glasgow and away from the parliamentary plutocrat in their midst – Sir Geoffrey Cox.

Boris tried to rally the troops in gung-ho scoutmaster style. Let’s “inject a bit of ambition into the Cop talks”, he said, with a bullish roll of the shoulders. There were shout-outs to a few favoured tenderfoots such as the Barbadian premier, and the prime minister of Palau, who’d achieved the Cop equivalent of a Dofe Gold, spending “five days travelling 7,500 miles across nine time zones” to draw attention to his country’s plight.

Though he refused to name names, to protect the guilty, he made a general appeal to world leaders to “pick up the phone” to their negotiating teams and spur them on. This was all well and good, but it slightly begged the question of why they’d bothered trekking to Glasgow in the first place.

The PM retained a buccaneering demeanour even when engaging in pure consultant speak, describing “three pillars we have to get right – adaptation, mitigation and finance” with the enthusiasm once reserved for things like whiff-whaff and rugby tackling Japanese schoolboys.

In keeping with his environmental Lord Flashheart schtick, the PM’S go-to metaphors were as usual a mix of the old public school staples, football and especially “rugger”. The chap who as a Cabinet minister admitted that though not contemplating a palace coup to snatch the premiership, he’d certainly get involved “if the ball came loose at the back of the scrum”, was once again back on the playing fields of Eton. The last week had been “game-changing”, he said, but after initial forward motion, the ball was now static “in a bit of a rolling maul”.

However, the summer sports soon took over once the lobby began their questions. Summoning as much enthusiasm as they could muster, they’d begin with a dolly-drop opening delivery – a token question about zero emissions pledges or hydrocarbon vehicles. For their supplementary question, they’d produce a googly with rather more spin – expenses, second jobs, Geoffrey Cox, is Britain the new Nigeria and so on.

But the PM, ignoring the bumping pitch and the blinding light, simply played a dead bat – parroting a near-identical form of words each time. “What we were trying to do is reform of the process,” he repeated, shuffling backwards at the crease. “I wanna repeat that those who do break the rules… they should face appropriate sanctions,” he said, master of the forward defensive.

“Do you want to use this moment to apologise?” demanded Robert Peston theatrically. But an apology, like a binding commitment from Saudi Arabia, was not forthcoming.

“Look – anybody who breaks the rules… should be punished,” shuffled the nightwatchman once again. It wasn’t quite Kevin Pietersen in his pomp, but with reporters denied a follow-up question, it was easy for the PM to carry his bat.

‘I wanna repeat that those who do break the rules ... they should face appropriate sanctions’