On a wing and a Peppa Pig prayer, Johnson praises British innovation

This is why the Tories chose Boris Johnson. This is what he was born to do – turn base metals into gold

‘Who would’ve believed that a pig that looks like a hairdryer… would now be exported to 180 countries?’

The PM was in the north yesterday for a speech to the CBI, and he pretty much nailed it. There was a knife-edge moment when he lost his place, and a few seconds of rifling through the pages before he appeared to make the rest of it up – but only us professionals would notice. Joe Public never clocks a thing.

“Vroom-vroom, raa-raa,” said the PM. I used to review cars for GQ, he noted, and we all love a petrol engine, but these electric vehicles aren’t half bad – better than that Tesla he once drove that “expired in the fast lane of the M40”. Ahem. (Page turn, page turn.)

“Lenin once said that the communist revolution was Soviet power plus the electrification of the whole country.” Good point. This was the country “to first split the atom”. And don’t you forget it, chum! (Page turn, page turn.)

“Forgive me... Of course there is one thing Britain needs more than anything and that is, um, er...” What was it, again? “SKILLS!” Put some money in those and you’ll get “fintech, med tech, ed tech, biotech, uh, med tech” (so good, he mentioned it twice), all the techs, till “you sound like 15th-century Mexico”. Few laughs from the audience – bunch of business bores. If they hate this speech so much, why don’t they give it?

Who can tell me “which three nations have produced more than 100 tech unicorns?” said the PM. “America, China and us.” “Correct.” The answer was too quick. Boris was hoping it would buy him enough time to work out what page he was on.

The PM put the speech aside. Time to wing it. This is why the Tories chose him. This is what he was born to do – turn base metals into gold, turn disaster into Shakespeare. Time to roll the dice.

“Hands up who’s been to Peppa Pig World?” A few hands. “Not enough. I was hazy about what I’d find at Peppa Pig World, but I loved it. [It’s] my kind of place. It has very safe streets. Discipline in schools... But the real lesson for me – I’m surprised you haven’t been there – is the power of UK creativity. Who would’ve believed that a pig that looks like a hairdryer... would now be exported to 180 countries, with theme parks in America and China and the New Forest?... No civil servant would conceivably have come up with Peppa.”

Yup. Nailed it. History, philosophy and one-in-the-eye for whatever Whitehall idiot printed off this speech in the wrong order. Later that day, the Leader of the Opposition – can’t remember the name – went on and on to the same audience about jobs and techno-hoo-ha, but all they’ll be talking about on the evening news is the hairdryer pig, which is a win for the PM and, in a way, a win for the CBI, too – because otherwise this conference would barely have scraped Newsnight.

How will you support innovation?, asked a woman in the Q&A afterwards. “We have boot camps for entrepreneurs,” replied the PM. An MP texted to say: “Lenin built a few of those, too.”