Case gets a thrashing as he tries to defend the naughtiest boy in school

You know that story about the Johnsons wanting to put a treehouse in the garden of No10? I think it wasn’t for the kids. It was for Boris. You can imagine him up there, away from his troubles, with a big stack of Beanos and a sign that reads “No girlz allowed...”

Partygate is going nowhere; MPS are about to put him on trial; and yesterday Simon Case, the Cabinet Secretary, faced the constitutional committee (not an easy job when you work for the naughtiest boy in the school). Case, who looks like the head prefect all grown up, initially walked a clever line between disclosure and secrecy, but fell foul of John Mcdonnell, a man whose interrogation technique couldn’t be more terrifying if he wore a balaclava.

What do you say to the allegation that Boris tried to get his thengirlfriend a job, asked Mcdonnell? “No knowledge,” replied Case. Have you investigated? “No.” Why not? “An investigation ... can only be authorised by the Prime Minister.” “Is he not keen?” asked chairman William Wragg, the babyfaced wag. Mcdonnell didn’t laugh. He went back to work: have you no responsibility to uphold standards?

At this, Case threw a wobbly: “I am very aware of my responsibilities,” he snarled, “and I take them very seriously... I have throughout my career and I continue to do that.”

Mcdonnell wasn’t happy. Case had done “angry”, and “angry” is Mcdonnell’s thing. So on his second go with the blow torch, he asked, if someone in No10 has been lying to the press and they’re disciplined for it, will we be told? “No,” replied Case – because we don’t comment on internal management and, besides, the unions might have something to say about it.

“I have been a trade unionist my entire working life,” said Mcdonnell, class war burning in his veins, “so don’t tell me what the trade unions are all about.”

In the good old days, when a teacher administered a thrashing, the pupil would shake his hand afterwards – and when the committee session was over, Case approached Mcdonnell, apologised for what he said and shook his hand. It’s pleasing to see that some customs die hard.