Starmer promises ‘Mission Government’ – just don’t ask what it means

‘Ilove it,” said Sir Keir Starmer, looking at the next generation of aircraft wings. This was set to be the speech equivalent of getting cornered at a drinks party by a man very keen to tell you about the trains he’s spotted. The apex of nerd oratory.

Starmer’s overarching themes were of hope and optimism – difficult to pull off when your general demeanour is that of a vet breaking the news that a beloved family pet didn’t make it. This was, in the great tradition of new year leftovers, “things could only get better” reheated by a dull, robotic microwave.

The Leader of the Opposition’s adenoidal strains echoed around the Bristol warehouse in what he probably believes is one of the warm-up acts for his triumphal trudge into Downing Street and the beginning of 30 glorious years of nasal government. A treacly grin spread across his face, quickly followed by an expression of earnest resolve.

It was billed as a new year’s message of renewal and contained precisely the platitudes you’d expect. “A new mindset – Mission Government.” “A new Project Hope.” Politics, we learnt, could still be “a force for good” for those ubiquitous “working people”. “Let’s get Britain’s future back,” he cried. Your future is there, chaps – just waiting for Sir Keir and Angela Rayner to unlock it.

However, the real fun came in the questions. The Leader of the Opposition strongly gives off an impression that the woeful state of Tory government means that he, as Pm-elect, ought to receive an easy ride by a client media. So there’s almost an air of incomprehension when someone demands precise detail or deigns to ask a question not to his liking.

As he was quizzed about how public services would work under Labour, when by his own admission “money was so tight you won’t invest” and accused of aping the Tories on tax policy, Sir Keir broke into a sort of enraged thousand-yard stare. He breathed heavily into his microphone as the question continued, managing to be both slightly menacing and also bizarre. This was Hannibal Lecter, tax accountant.

In response, he assured Beth Rigby of Sky News that his “decade of national renewal” was “not just words” by, er, repeating them. As words.

Things got a little fruitier when he was interrogated on the friendship between panto villain and Labour Party thought-controller Lord Mandelson and Jeffrey Epstein.

Sir Keir pleaded ignorance, saying, mid-splutter, that he didn’t know any more than anyone else did. “That’s simply, er, the state of the, er, affairs.”

The Leader of the Opposition looked like he’d been a bit sick in his mouth. He probably had.

Elsewhere, the Prime Minister indicated that his “working assumption” was of an autumn election, rather than a May one. Nine more months – a full gestation period for Sir Keir’s mission-led Project Hope for working people to become a reality. Oh goody. We might even get some straight answers out of him in the meantime.

‘Your future is there, chaps – just waiting for Sir Keir and Angela Rayner to unlock it’