Whisper it… this is TV’S dullest lead character
Everyone knows that the departure of Gary Lineker from Match of the Day wouldn’t dent ratings in the slightest. People watch for the football highlights, not the presenter. I wonder if the same would be true of Emilia Fox leaving Silent
Witness (BBC One)? The forensics drama is now in its 27th series, and several million people still tune in every week. But I can’t think of a drama with a duller central character.
The most interesting thing about pathologist Dr Nikki Alexander is her hair, which is always coiffed to Michelle Mone levels of perfection. Otherwise, there isn’t much to say about her. Ask the man in the street to conjure an image of the pathologist in Silent Witness and chances are they’ll picture Amanda Burton, even though she left in series eight. I suppose Alexander makes a change from the madly quirky forensic pathologists that you get in detective shows. And, here’s the point: people watch Silent Witness for the plots, not the stars.
This four-part story involves the discovery of a body in a church. The crime has all the hallmarks of a series of murders in 2003-04. The suspect in that case, Calvin Dunn (Leo Staar), was interviewed several times but never arrested. Then he vanished. Has he returned after 20 years to resume his killing spree? Or is there an alternative explanation? And did Dunn’s job as an IT specialist for a US weapons technology firm have anything to do with his disappearance?
Josette Simon plays a DCI who worked on the original case and is called back to investigate the links to this one. She asks for Alexander’s help because – well, because that’s what happens in Silent Witness. The best thing about this series, though, is the casting of John Hannah. He plays a retired pathologist named Charles Beck, whose wife may have been one of Dunn’s victims. The loss has turned Beck into a bitter man.
Hannah is an excellent actor (and narrator of Bafta-winning competition Race Across the World) whose career is now pretty low-key in comparison to his 1990s fame in films Sliding Doors and Four Weddings and a Funeral.
Here he gets a lengthy soliloquy about his wife, which is surely designed to bring back memories of his reading of WH Auden’s Funeral Blues in Four Weddings.
As usual, the lead characters peered at some bodies and exchanged some perfunctory dialogue. But the plot was sufficiently intriguing to make me want to come back for tonight’s episode. And that’s why this show is still hanging in there.
Abunch of British twentysomethings do some work on a farm in Australia as part of their travels. Back in the day, this used to be known as “a gap year” and was wholly unremarkable. But today it’s the basis for a reality show,
Brits Down Under (Channel 4), and an opportunity to confirm all our prejudices about today’s young people being useless crybabies.
“I’m just not ready to be an adult yet,” says Joanne from Northern Ireland. Joanne is 27. Do you want to tell her or shall I? At home, she explains, “there’s no work-life balance – if you want money you have to work like a dog”. Or just, you know, work. On the farm, which is run by a nononsense Aussie bloke called Grant, they have to do some actual work, such as irrigating fields and building fences. Joanne doesn’t take well to this. “My anger is ready to explode. I’m sick of it already,” she harrumphs. It’s day one.
She and fellow traveller Annise object to Grant behaving like their boss, seemingly incapable of processing the fact that he’s their boss. “I feel traumatised,” says Annise, 28. At one point, Grant tells Annise that she “rides with the horses”, explaining that this means she follows the crowd. She is appalled: “I’m ready to walk away. I don’t think I’m a horse!”
Someone called Gary wails about manual labour: “It’s just not for me.” The prospect of being on a TV show has overridden that particular issue.
Not everyone here is terrible, but the producers have chosen to focus on the whinging Poms because they’ve recognised that the show itself is deathly boring. Elliot, from Portsmouth, is at least trying to strike out on his own after recognising that his mother has done everything for him and at 23 he needs to learn some skills. Unfortunately, he wields a sledgehammer with so little force that he gets sacked on his first day.
Joanne has changed jobs seven times in a year, she says, because she didn’t like any of her bosses. At least this show can function as a handy tool for employers: just remember these faces, and if they ever come knocking you’ll know to give them a wide berth.