Rishi smiles his way through in face of Piers pressure in front of TV cameras for PM vs PM

Someone at No10’s told Rishi “you need to be on telly more”, which is a huge mistake. He’s only got two things to say – “I was born in a pharmacy” and “I inherited a mess” – and a habit of wiggling his eyebrows.

But if Rishi has no policies, Piers Morgan has no viewers, so perhaps the No10 intern thought this would be an easy booking. Whoopsie-daisy!

Talktv called it PM vs PM, but which was which? Piers is, by his own acknowledgement, the most interesting person he knows, and understands TV as the medium of self-promotion.

The trailer cut every punch from Piers and every wince from Rishi to make it look as if he battered him in the ring, but his actual method is to dress up softball questions as hard-hitting – “I’m going to have to ask you this, Prime Minister: do you like puppies?” – mixed with advertisements for self.

“I’ve interviewed a lot of prime ministers,” he said, casually.

The effect is to make the politician feel they are keeping that seat warm for another more interesting guest. Sir Keir Starmer. Donald Trump. Vicki Michelle.

“The last time I saw you,” said Piers, “was a hilarious by chance moment… on a plane to Los Angeles.”

Rishi laughed the way one does when the only alternative is to cry.

“It was my first holiday in four and a half years,” recalled the PM, and they were together for “11 hours”.

Personally, I would’ve faked a heart attack and had us land at Reykjavik, but Rishi’s method is to smile and laugh his way through everything. He’s not very televisual.

Piers, a pro, is impassive. Rishi, a novice, allows his thoughts to show on his face, frowning when he’s thinking, which makes him appear uncertain and weak. Perhaps he should try Botox? Los Angeles is just the place for it, and truly is a miracle. You fly out to California looking like Ken Clarke and come back looking like Justin Trudeau.

Piers switched gears: my mother had a heart attack and went to hospital, he said. Rishi, weirdly, smiled. I’ll show you a photo of her stuck on a trolley for “seven hours”, continued Morgan – and when Rishi saw it, the smile almost grew, as if she were adorable.

The PM’S eyes were shining but there was no one home; he was a thousand miles away, bombing the Houthis. Piers also told him the Rwanda policy is nuts and forced him to agree to a £1,000 bet that no plane will take off before the next election.

Would this be such a bad thing? All this illegal immigration is apparently leading to a Christian revival: Dover now has more pilgrims than Rome.

The interview ended, Piers no doubt said it was an honour for the PM to meet him – and Rishi slipped off to prepare for his next close-up.

On Thursday, he’s fly-fishing with Farage on GB News, and on Friday viewers of the Shopping Channel will find him flogging diamanté earrings.