My hatred for the British public is dwarfed only by Alan Partridge’s

Tories calling themselves “popular conservatives” is the most audacious piece of advertising since I put “29” and “6ft 3” on my dating profile.

Shortly before Popcon’s launch at the Emmanuel Centre in London, Simon Clarke was dropped from the line-up, Ranil Jayawardena pulled out and Kwasi Kwarteng quit politics.

Sparkling at the podium, Jacob Rees-mogg joked: “What a delight to see so many popular conservatives!” and Lee Anderson quipped “I do recognise some people in here,” for it was less a rally, more a reunion, of MPS, academics, libertarians, octogenarians and a Unitarian from Lima. Lee and Jacob, or LEECOB, are a superb double act. “We’ve got something in common,” said Lee. “We was both born on estates.” He also admitted to not knowing how much his heating bill comes to, which is another commonality among Rightwing populists who tend to be well off.

“We need some music,” said a jolly chap in the front row, “how about Here Comes the Bride?” And fittingly, Liz Truss did walk down the aisle in white: white flares, like the gondoliers of Venice, and a pristine blouse.

“I never get invited to London dinner parties,” she said. Liz, you are missing nothing. I attended a party in 2006, spilt Creme de Cassis on a sofa.

So if this crowd isn’t really popular, are they truly conservative? Here’s the nub of the Tory civil war. Old-style conservatives believe they are in politics to build up institutions, but Liz said that these institutions have been captured by “Left-wing extremists” so they need to be torn down and rebuilt.

Jacob even invoked the French Revolution, declaring that the “era of the Davos Man” – the capitalist with no regard for borders – “is over!” But isn’t Jacob for global free trade?

The loudest cheer was for a parliamentary candidate who said it is every Briton’s right to enjoy as many biscuits and ciggies as they wish – and I agree, because I am mad, but does the public? I googled it. Liz is not very popular (11 per cent favourability) but the smoking ban is (73 per cent), which is why, like Alan Partridge, I just… hate the general public.

Farage arrived looking trim and tanned and the media swarmed around for a quote. Inviting Nigel is like inviting Marlyn Monroe to your wedding; you’re going to get upstaged.

Will he run for Reform? Will he join the Tories? Who knows? I’m not sure he cares. “There’s always the American election,” he said cryptically, an event in his diary that would put him within the orbit of the future leader of the free world - while Britain’s unelectable centre-right prepares to receive its divorce papers.