Are the parents responsible if their children turn into killers?

‘Can every parent really be responsible for everything their children do, especially when it’s not foreseeable?” Jennifer Crumbley’s defence attorney closed her argument with this philosophical question. And now America has its answer: Crumbley has just become the first US parent ever convicted of manslaughter after a mass shooting by their child.

Crumbley’s son, Ethan, was 15 when he shot dead four pupils at his school in Michigan in 2021. He has since been tried as an adult, and sentenced to life without parole. Yet state prosecutors argued that his parents must carry some of the responsibility for his actions. He had been bought a gun as a Thanksgiving “treat”. And his mother was accused of failing to notice, or act on, Ethan’s disintegrating mental health.

Mrs Crumbley did not cut a sympathetic figure in court, with her expressionless face and her insistence that she would not have done anything differently. But neither did she seem entirely monstrous, the way one might hope.

A busy working mother, she was accused of spending too much free time on her hobbies (namely, horseriding and extra-marital affairs) and not enough with her son. Yet something similar could be said about many successful, middleclass parents whose children don’t become mass murderers. She was also blamed for failing to spot a note in Ethan’s journal reading: “I have zero help for my mental problems and it’s causing me to f---ing shoot up the school.” A chilling omission in hindsight; but not reading your child’s private diary is usually a mark of respect, not delinquent parenting.

My point is not that Mrs Crumbley is innocent (she does seem to have been a pretty hopeless mother), but that all parents are guilty to some degree. Even the most conscientious among us will sometimes be foolish, distracted, bad-tempered or negligent. The mistakes we could make, and the consequences of those mistakes, are dizzying in their multitude. This is especially true now that we are expected to supervise our children in two parallel words: online and in real life.

Scarlett Jenkinson – who stabbed Brianna Ghey to death – grew up in a stable, loving home. But she became fascinated by serial killers after watching true crime documentaries, and then fed this obsession by secretly trawling the “dark web” for footage of real-life torture and murder.

Her mother is a school teacher, so well liked that none of the locals seem to blame her for Scarlett’s appalling crime. But I suspect she blames herself. According to one neighbour, she hasn’t opened her curtains since her daughter’s arrest.

It is worth noting that the fathers of these killers don’t seem to take up nearly so much newsprint. Men are statistically much more likely to be absent, neglectful or cruel parents – in other words, to inflict serious psychological harm – but mothers have always been held chiefly responsible for the moral health of our children.

Maternal guilt is often, in part, a projection into the future – a fear of the damage you might have done unwittingly or carelessly. I once dropped my baby on his head, and have been filled with quiet dread ever since in case it turns out to have done something – as yet entirely unseen – to his character.

But of course, guilt is a punishment in itself. Most parents already know we are to blame for everything. We don’t need a court to tell us.