The Herald - The Herald Magazine
EATING OUT AND DRINK
The omens aren’t good but the queue and flavours paint a different picture
WHAT’S interesting about the Big Bell Box Fajita Burrito at Taco Bell is that it doesn’t come in a box at all. And that the food looks nothing, and I mean nothing, like the glorious, backlit and slightly appetising photo of burrito and taco and churro above the counter. The one we gazed at for probably 30 minutes as we waited and waited in the queue that stretched, and still stretches, so far back it blocks the entrance door.
But there are lots of interesting things about this American chain which has just opened its first Scottish outpost on none other than Sauchiehall Street in Glasgow. Most interesting is that Taco Bell is apparently super cool. I know this because my 14-year-old son has awaited its opening with the excitement that used to be reserved for Santa. And he’s not alone. Lots of the skater-scooter, hoodie-and-backpack generation are in the queue before us as we crawl forward. It’s buzzing, then. And has been for days.
As the kids anticipate, uncool dad here fills that quality queue time by wondering if Taco Bell achieved such global domination by ensuring that rather than open a second till to relieve the queue it’s staff do the following. One: laconically clean plastic food baskets right at that unused till – while those in the queue watch helplessly. Two: aimlessly rearrange straws at the condiments area while definitely not refilling the empty plastic fork section or even tackling its general grubbiness.
Still, it’s not as grubby as the floor and carpet, which are outstandingly filthy. I take a photo and look for a reaction. Nobody cares. Ah. Maybe, though, this is a deliberate marketing ploy by the chain to touch base with the down-on-the-street dudes. I suspect not.
Incidentally there’s something weirdly unconvincing about the neat baskets of veg stacked obviously in the open kitchen as staff walk about with squirt guns full of sauces and (presumably) cheese and stare at photos of what food should look like.
Now, I’m not going to complain about the greeting we get when we finally reach that only open till because in my experience chain food service falls into one of two camps; manically corporately happy (completely fake) or stone-faced dismissive (completely genuine). We get a dose of the latter while deciding on Crunchwrap Supreme (nah), crunchy or soft Tacos (crunchy), Stuft or Volcano burrito (Volcano), Shareables (Cheesy Topped Fries please), Cravers (one Taco Supreme and one Double Decker), upgrade to Irn-Bru for £1 (no thanks) before taking our ticket and awaiting the arrival of this feast.
To say what’s inside the dreary waxed wrappers on our tray is a major disappointment, compared to what’s on the board, is to put it lightly. Despite the Hollywood billing the Volcano Burrito turns out to be loosely-wrapped, pale and uninteresting in real life. The Fajita Burrito that’s not in a Big Bell Box but just one of lots of bags and wrappers? The same.
At least the tacos look like tacos at a pricey £1.79 each. Hard cheddar tumbles from the Supreme but there’s praise from my son for the Double Decker with beef and guacamole. As for the burritos? Actually, they burst with flavours. The Volcano comes with crushed nacho chips, cheddar, sour cream, beef, lava sauce and rice. It’s hot, salty and beefy, and leaves that mildly satisfying feeling that only comes from eating a dollop of spicy, seasoned fat. I can see why all the dudes are carrying the news.
The fries at £4.49 are smothered in beef, more spices, sour cream and some yellow liquid that looks and tastes like Dairylea soup. Quite good, then, if you like that sort of thing.
There’s a table of three young thrusters alongside us who were all bish-bosh and having a laugh in the queue. They’re loudly unimpressed with their Taco Bell experience. I’m with them. It’s tacky and tatty, but then I’m not the target audience. Am I? If you know a restaurant Ron should review, email ronmackenna@fastmail.fm