Take a run and jump

ONE species of wildlife that we can all agree to dislike is … the jogger. Often seen in parks, but also on urban streets, they depress the lieges with their grim, self-absorbed faces and their ugly, deformed legs pumping furiously as they run to no other purpose than self-preservation occasioned by a morbid and cowardly fear of death or obesity.

The current crisis, with its social distancing, has led to a welcome backlash against these fetid narcissi, not just for their spattering sweat and gales of rancid breath, but because they expect everyone to make way for them.

I still bridle at the memory of an incident when I stopped to let one by on a hill at Christmas a good few years ago. He just breenged past without a word or even nod of acknowledgement, never mind a note of festive cheer.

Why don’t they practise their pathetic hobby at home? Why don’t they put some decent trousers on? In the meantime, if one looks like breenging straight towards you, stand your ground and make him (men are, as usual, the worst) go round.

Four-letter word

EVERY person of sound mind – yes, I see a small minority of you raise your hands – must sympathise with the nation’s posties who’ve been up in arms about having to deliver junk mail, particularly at a time like this.

Junk mail is a terrible business at the best of times. Nobody wants to deliver it. Nobody wants to receive it. But all must have it. There must be a metaphor for human existence in there somewhere.

I don’t like getting letters addressed to The Occupier either. It makes it sound like I’ve invaded my own house and set up a dictatorship, with the enclosed letter containing a set of demands from the Resistance.

Unless it says “Free money!” on the front – I always fall for that one – these letters go straight in the bin unopened anyway. Our posties should be on the roster of heroes in these difficult times. I used to be one myself, you know. Best days of my life. I was young, full of hope, happy. Well, young anyway. Useful too. Look at me now. No use to anyone. Junk male.