New rules for gyms

THE nations were discombobulated to see their overall leader, Boris the Builder, doing press-ups this week.

Mr Johnson’s idea was to prove he wasn’t ailing, post-covid, but was “as fit as a butcher’s dog”. Wot, he’s living off offal and scrag-ends? No wonder he looks ill.

Meanwhile, the village gym hereabouts is planning to re-open on August 10, using a booking system and restricting numbers.

It would be better if they restricted young men. Everybody will have encountered specimens from that worst of all demographics breenging aboot the supermarket, as if to say: “Look at me, I’m right hard. No’ feart o’ a wee virus.”

This is incorrect. You are a hormonally saturated pillock who, even in normal times, shouldn’t be allowed to vote, drive or drink. Under the New Normal, similar restrictions should apply at the gym.

Baldies should also be banned. They’re always grunting, sweating profusely, and hogging the same machine for ages because they’re too bovine to feel boredom.