I want to move abroad but my son needs me

IMET up an old boyfriend just before Christmas last year, who now lives in Spain but had managed to get into the UK for work purposes despite Covid restrictions. We got on well and caught up with what we’d been doing in our lives.

Over the two months he was here, we saw a lot of each other. It became obvious we still had feelings for each other – in fact we ended up in bed quite often. Last week he surprised me and asked me to marry him and come to live in Spain. I realised at that moment that I loved him, and that this is what I really want, so I said yes.

My problem is my 32-year-old son, who has never manged to look after himself properly. He seems to lurch from one crisis to the next. He’s a qualified electrician and earns good money but seems incapable of holding a steady job. I worry what will happen if I leave him on his own. I finally mentioned it all to him last night and he got really angry.

FIONA SAYS: I suspect the reason – or at least part of the reason – your son has never learned to look after himself properly is that you have always been there to sort out whatever mess he finds himself in. This might seem harsh, but I think the time has come for you to address this. His angry response suggests he recognises this and is frightened by it.

However, at 32 he must learn how to live completely independently and resolve his own problems. He is qualified and earns what I assume is a reasonable amount, so this should not be beyond his means.

I am not saying that you suddenly refuse all requests for help. If he has a serious, genuine life problem, of course, you will help – but for day-today life problems he must step up for himself. Talk with him again, reassure him that when you go to the Spain, you won’t suddenly break off all contact. After all, it takes only a moment to call or video chat and moreover, it’s only a two or three-hour flight away from the UK. You’ll still love him and be there for him if really needed.

Then explain that you love this man and want to marry him. Hopefully he will be mature enough to be happy for you. Then, if you are sure that this is what you want, I suggest you grab this opportunity with both hands and have a wonderful time in Spain.

As for your son, do try to stop worrying about him. I’m sure he will cope perfectly well when he must.

WORRIED ABOUT VIAGRA

My husband and I have always had a good sex life. However, he recently bought some Viagra off the internet and wants to use it to spice things up. He said it’s not for a problem, and that it’s just for fun. I have heard there can be some nasty side effects with Viagra, and I am not sure he should be risking his health ‘just for fun’.

FIONA SAYS: I’m definitely with you on this one, and I personally think you are right to be concerned. Many people buy such drugs regularly from the internet, and often from apparently reputable sources.

However, there is also a real risk if you’re buying drugs online from unreliable sources or using them without appropriate guidance. Additionally, even if the Viagra is genuine, all drugs can carry certain risks for people with medical conditions and certain medications can mean the use of things like this are contra-indicated. He should speak to his doctor first before trying any.