Nothing feels the same after husband’s affair

SIX months ago, I found out my husband had been having an affair. It was a great shock and after a truly spectacular row, I made him leave. Our children were also deeply hurt and troubled by this. We stayed apart for about four months, although he did visit the children.

Anyway, a couple of months ago,

I let him come back after, he had apologised and said he’d made a huge mistake. I now worry that perhaps the only reason he came back was to be near the children, and not me. I also cannot shake the certainty that he is still seeing this other woman, even though he promised it’s over. I find myself checking his phone and tablet whenever I get the chance, to see if there are any messages from her.

FIONA SAYS: You have every right to be confused, angry, resentful, and hurt – however, I don’t think it was a mistake for you to give him a second chance. After all, you indicate that you still have feelings for him, and of course you have the children to consider as well. Given that, it was perhaps the logical thing for you to do, if you wanted to try and rescue your marriage.

In that context, though, it’s probably not a good idea to constantly check your husband’s phone, social media posts and physical whereabouts.

It’ll be exhausting, as you’ve found, and no way to re-establish trust, as sooner or later he will grow to resent the constant scrutiny. Better to work together to find ways to overcome these difficulties and give yourselves the best chance of saving your relationship.

It’s time to start communicating, only then can you hope to avoid repeating mistakes of the past. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes it’s hard to start the process so you will almost certainly find it helpful to talk with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk).

MY HUSBAND MAKES ALL OUR DECISIONS

Over the past few years, I have turned my life around. When I got married, I was quiet and uncertain about everything. I was nervous around people and panicked any time I had to do something outside of my comfort zone. Now I have a good job, some good friends that I see regularly and am genuinely happy. I am also actively involved in my local swimming club.

A lot of this change was due to the support and encouragement I got from husband. For example, we spent a lot of time recently trying to choose the right colour to paint our bedroom. Although we hadn’t decided, he went ahead and bought his choice anyway. Then last week he came home and announced he had booked a trip to the West Country for our holiday. We have been holidaying here regularly for the past six years, but I really wanted to go somewhere different his time, and he knew this.

When I told him I was upset about this, he got angry and accused me of being argumentative and no longer respecting him.

FIONA SAYS: You’ve changed – and it seems your husband is struggling to come to terms with the new, more confident you. Given that he actively encouraged you, it’s odd that he should react this way. Your relationship is no longer unequal, and he needs to adjust. However, if he can’t or won’t, it’s possible you may need counselling to work out your differences and find a healthy way forwards. I would encourage you to contact Relate (relate.org.uk).