Husband won’t seek help for his bad back

MY husband has had back problems for years. Most of the time, it’s a background pain that he manages to work through. There are times, though, when he has crippling pain and is unable to move for days, leaving me to pick up the slack of his business and look after him at the same time. Over the past year, the number of times this has happened has increased significantly – yet he will still not see a doctor.

I have tried so many times to get him to seek help, but he just shrugs it off saying there’s nothing they can do, it’s just something tall men must live with. The silly thing is, he has private health cover, so it’s not as though he needs to wait for a GP appointment, which I know are hard to get at the moment.

Last month, we had to cancel our holiday because he couldn’t drive, and this caused a particularly nasty row.

FIONA SAYS: I suspect he’s afraid of finding out that something is seriously wrong, and is prepared to put up with long-term pain instead. It amazes me how many people will do this, rather than face the truth. Back pain is one of the most common conditions and the sad thing is, it will typically only get worse the longer it is left untreated.

If he remains reluctant to seek help for his own sake, could you persuade him to do it for you? Alternatively, if it is doctors that he is averse to, might he see a physiotherapist or osteopath? He won’t need a GP referral and his private health insurance might cover it.

Finally, you could also encourage him to contact Backcare (backcare.org. uk), a charity that operates a network of local support groups and directory of treatment practitioners.

The website has lots of information about back pain and your husband may be interested to note that most of us are likely to be affected by back pain at some point in our lives. Just because so many of us have it though, doesn’t mean there is nothing to be done. Do please get him to look at the site as I’m sure he’ll begin to realise that, left untreated, things will only get worse.

MY SON’S BLAMING ME FOR MARRIAGE PROBLEMS

My son and daughter-in-law, with whom I’ve always been really close, got into terrible problems with their marriage.

Neither of them could talk to one another properly but they would both talk to me. I could see it was having an effect on my grandson, so, thinking I was doing the right thing, I said they really ought to come to a decision about the future, for his sake.

Rather than clearing the air, my daughter-in-law moved out, taking my grandson with her and I haven’t seen them since. My son blames me and although I have seen him, it has only been for him to either be miserable or else to blame me for her leaving.

FIONA SAYS: How very sad that, rather than trying to sort out the problems in their marriage, your son and daughterin-law seem to be shifting the blame on to you. Trying to remain neutral in situations like this is always difficult, and sometimes – as you’ve found – it backfires.

The couple were obviously in trouble and naturally that was upsetting their son. What you said is what any caring grandmother would have said in the same situation, so it sounds as if the couple have both over-reacted.

However, if the situation persists, you might like to contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk), or contact their helpline if you feel you need to talk on 0808 800 2222.