5 THINGS WE HAVE LEARNED THIS WEEK Lament for a humble condiment

Top chefs have reacted with horror after learning that broon sauce has had its chips, falling out of favour with folk who prefer peri-peri, whatever that is. The chefs couldn’t imagine a bacon sandwich withoot broon sauce. Don’t know about that. I keep it for cooking that’s otherwise unpalatable. So I have it with most meals.

TOPIARY BALLS

It’s not just broon sauce. Garden gnomes, the south of England’s only manufacturing base, are also being shunned these days. Even buddhas have been given the boot. While sorry for old Siddhartha and the gnomes, we’re happy that fake animals, trampolines and hot tubs are also oot. And don’t get us started on fake topiary balls.

THOMAS DERAILING

Thomas, a Tank Engine, nearly never made it onto our screens, after creator Rev Wilbert Audrey objected to the BBC’s pilot, in which a train was derailed on the model railway used, and a big hand came oot – live on air – to set it right. Well, flatten my funnel, as Thomas would say.

BUTTER UP

As the cost of living continues to bite, the price of Lurpak butter soared to £7.25, prompting some supermarkets to put security tags on the tubs. Reports suggest too that the price of Twix multipacks has gone up from £2 to £3 – and the packs have become smaller. What is to become of us all?

BEER FEAR

English footer fans face paying £350 a night for tented accommodation in Qatar, nutty venue for this year’s World Cup. They can’t even get a beer on-site – maybe just as well as being drunk in public is illegal. In Scotland, that would require tanks on the streets every Saturday night. And the tanks would eventually retreat.