An everyday story of devious, nasty, devastating abuse

IDON’T like The Archers. As soon as I hear the theme tune, I rush to the radio and, with defiant gusto, slap it off. The BBC Radio 4 soap’s Home Counties values are a turn-off for anyone outside their huntin’, shootin’, fishin’ catchment area. It’s hard to buy into a world where everyone is so reasonable, so true to demographic type, so standardised. Like the milk produced at Ambridge Farm, it’s just too homogenised.

But that was before Rob Titchener (played by Timothy Watson) rolled into Ambridge a couple of years ago. His character and storyline, skilfully woven by the writers, have portrayed the modus operandi of the domestic abuser in a way that has gripped much of the radio-listening nation.

Rob so abused and tormented his wife Helen (played by Louiza Patikas) that she stabbed him in an effort to put an end to her living hell. The story climaxed in last Sunday’s episode when, after the court trial, Helen was found not guilty of attempted murder. In portraying Rob as ostensibly very nice, considerate and caring, the scriptwriters scored a bullseye in profiling a common type of emotional and psychological domestic abuse. Typically, such abusers are male (79 per cent), though women also abuse. As happened in The Archers storyline, the perpetrators can appear very normal. This means the abuse often goes unrecognised because both perpetrator and victim are in denial of the Jekyll and Hyde world they inhabit. Most abusers sustain this denial by justifying, minimising and rationalising their deviant behaviours. Jealousy isn’t jealousy, it’s just a way of showing how much they love their partner. Control is masked as heartfelt concern for their loved one. And in setting unrealistic expectations for their partner, the abuser is just letting them know that they want the best for them.

In the abuser’s mind, he or she is not isolating their partner from family and friends, but setting clear boundaries so that their soulmate has time to chill out and relax.

When it comes to relaxing in the bedroom, he isn’t forcing her into sex or being rough, he’s just being a bit adventurous and playful. And when the abuser screams in the face of the love of their life, they’re not really shouting, they’re just trying to make their lover see the error of their ways. The drip-drip effect of emotional manipulation and abuse can leave a victim feeling like a non-person, a nobody.

Domestic abusers rarely approach agencies for help in assessing whether or not they are abusive. More usually, they are “outed” as a result of a peak episode of violence or domestic crisis where a partner has had to call the police or involve extended family.

The mayhem and terror of domestic abuse thrives in closed, dark spaces. Beyond the four walls of home, an abuser often masquerades as helpful to their boss, accommodating to neighbours, an all-round Mr or Mrs Niceguy. Domestic abuse cuts across class and culture. Often, the problem is hereditary in that the majority of perpetrators are, themselves, likely to have been victims of childhood abuse. Usually, they have grown up in a family where the use of emotional and/or physical violence is standard currency.

To stop domestic abuse, perpetrators, both male and female, need help to understand their history and pattern of abuse and the lasting damage they inflict on their partners and children. This costs money as it requires individual and group therapy to enable real transformation. Emotional and psychological abuse is the most difficult to tackle because, unlike a bruise or broken jaw, the damage is harder to identify and much easier to deny.

This is because the “evidence trail” of emotional abuse is likely to be located inside the victim through the tell-tale symptoms such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, sleeplessness. Currently, there are only limited services available for perpetrators. Organisations such as Respect and Everyman run helplines for abusers to begin the difficult journey towards becoming the kind of person that can build a respectful and loving relationship with another human being.

But long before that, we should start with a pre-school education that places importance on the value of healthy personal relationships and how they work. They can only work when we respect the emotional autonomy and integrity of the other.