Syncing baby and smartphone is just a world gone mad
THE year 1998 was a watershed for me. My second-born arrived, six weeks early and intent upon catching up with life. Her mum was in full-time employment while I was struggling with the world of freelancedom. It made economic sense that the steady wage-earner (my ex-wife) would bring home the bacon and I would attempt to parent our child while phoning prospective employers, having the odd meeting and generally moving my risible career on to a level one might describe as mediocre. I mean, how difficult could it be, bringing up a wee baby? There’s nothing quite as breathtaking as the misplaced arrogance of a man. I’ve spent the last 18 years knowing that whatever else I will do, however hard I work, it will never eclipse the exhaustion of being a full-time dad. It may be a cliché, but the secret to successful parenting is the ability to carry out more than a single task at a time. Feed her while, between gurgling mouthfuls, loading a single item into the washing machine; hold her milk bottle with my left hand while stirring the soup with my right; hold her beautiful, sleeping self in my arms while trying to text one-handed (you have to bear in mind that this was the late 1990s, days of darkness when it comes to the smartness of phones. I had a Nokia. It was beautiful. All it did was text and make/receive calls; I loved it, I still do. I miss it). If only Tim Causa had been around then. This North Virginian has invented a thing called the Swipe And Feed, a contraption that connects a mobile phone to a baby’s bottle allowing the parent to swipe while the child feeds. This allows the feeding parent to be able to remain fully engaged in all matters digital while the child gently sups the milk from a bottle. The device is said to attach happily to most forms of feeding bottle except the narrow-mouthed glass varieties of the 1970s.
There’s a part of me that is excited for new parents, that they will be able to feed the wean while checking their Snapchat. Which parent doesn’t worry about not being able to refresh their Twitter feed for the better part of 20 minutes? Or imagine being left high and dry when it comes to watching the latest hilarious musical dubbing of the Trump/Clinton debate?
To this day my ex-wife and I both acknowledge the importance of re-runs of Cheers on the Comedy Channel when it came to keeping us together and our sanity intact during those tough, all-night feeding sessions.)
BUT there is also a part of me that thinks that maybe you shouldn’t have a mobile phone that close to a newborn child. The Swipe And Feed reminds me of those things you used to get at those terrible BBC networking sessions. Each “delegate” would be given a glass of wine (one glass; no more) and a small plate of finger buffet food. There would be a small plastic clip attached to the plate so that the glass of wine could be cradled, hand-free. Those wine glass plate clips, while useful, have not been spotted since the late 1990s.
What is it with men that they feel the need to invent things that we have never thought we needed?
The Swipe And Feed will soon find itself in the same pound store bargain basket as the wine glass plate clip. Technology will invent a mobile phone that reacts purely to telepathic mind waves requiring no swiping at all, just thought.
I mean, couldn’t Tim have found a way of channelling the child’s static electricity as it wombles about in its walker? (Where have those walker things gone? My weans walked for ages in those spider-like contraptions.)
That static electricity could be used to charge a phone, thereby giving the parent maximum on-phone time while the now-exhausted wean sleeps. Now, that is genius.