We’re still looking for love —
AFTER THE confetti s e t t l e s , t he i nk o n t h e k e t u b a h has dried and the 19-piece klezmer band has packed up its fiddles, pressures of modern life are driving even the happiest Jewish couples apart, rabbis and lawyers have warned.
But when things go wrong, even the most secular Jewish couples are seeking spiritual guidance, both before and during their marriages, and still have faith that their problems can be solved by a rabbi, according to Rabbi Aaron Goldstein.
The Northwood and Pinner Liberal rabbi said: “It’s very surprising how many couples come to me when they are having relationship difficulties. They are not coming for halachic knowledge or direction. They want guidance from someone where they know it is confidential. Rabbis nurture relationships, we are non-judgmental.”
The United Synagogue authorised 385 marriages in 2011, lower than previous years, and 118 religious divorces ( gittin), while the Reform Beth Din registered 14 gittin. Vanessa Lloyd-platt, a high-profile Jewish divorce lawyer, said that the numbers of Jewish couples divorcing were skyrocketing.
“I can only describe it as mayhem out there,” she said. “At the 40-plus end of the scale, it’s an epidemic. There is huge dissatisfaction among women of that age. Quite a high proportion of Jewish clients are from the more religious end of the spectrum — but not the strictly Orthodox. It’s the nouveau riche, traditional Jews, whose divorces are on the increase.”
Jo Barnett, a dating coach with Connect, part of the Jewish Marriage Council, believes “pre-marriage coaching is absolutely vital. I know marriages which have been saved from going ahead by putting the couple in a room and bringing up issues like money and religious observance — and finding out that their values don’t match at all. It’s best to walk away then, not after the expensive wedding.”
Alyth Synagogue’s Rabbi Mark Goldsmith is a great champion of courses for engaged couples. “It enables couples to meet each other, we look at marriage in Jewish texts , the marriage service and choices to be made. Couples are very assertive about re-writing the ketubah, and they often want to explain their wedding to non-jewish friends.”
But Rabbi Goldstein believes many couples find the formal courses “patronising”, especially those who have lived together for a number of years. “You don’t need a formal course. People I know have found it demeaning, when they have been on either church courses, or an Orthodox Jewish course. A rabbi should be able to provide a personal service. You can pick up a feel of ease in the relationship. They know each other; they don’t need to be preached to.”
Two very definitive trends in divorcing couples have emerged, according to Rabbi Goldstein. “Most of those we see are people whose kids have flown the nest, and whose relationships haven’t been good for a number of years. We also see younger couples with youngish children, where they have had pressures of both partners having jobs, juggling kids and financial issues.”
The recession has played a key part in driving Jewish couples apart, said Ms Lloyd-platt. “In north-west London, there’s a lot of ‘keeping up with the Cohens’, and resentment when lifestyles have to be reined in. The level of fighting has been very acrimonious indeed.”
But she said Jewish couples “don’t tend to get pre-nuptial agreements. They don’t like the notion of it, while in the wider community, there has been a huge increase.”
The JMC’S clinical director Deborah Weinstein said that more couples were seeking professional help, before and after marriage, to avoid divorce. “We have seen an increase in numbers over the past month or so. While our clients come from both the religious and nonreligious communities, we are seeing a recent increase in Charedi families using our services here.”
Cheadle-based relationship counsellor and psychosexual therapist, Edna Miller, has been counselling Manchester couples for 20 years, but in the past six years has started seeing a substantial number of strictly Orthodox couples from Broughton Park, on the other side of the city. “For the more Orthodox couples, some do want to come to a Jewish counsellor, but not one in their own community. They don’t have to explain everything to me, but I am outside that particular world.”
The strictly Orthodox community have very specific issues that might lead to divorce, said Mrs Miller. “Religious observance can be an issue. I have had a few cases where a wife or husband wants to be less religious than the other, they want to be freer to wear different clothes, for example, but are worried what people might think of them, and what their husband or wife would think.
“Sex can also be a major issue in the strictly Orthodox world where there is no sex education, and so many restrictions. But the solution for religious couples is as universal as for secular couples – communication. If you don’t talk to each other about how you are feeling, about any issue, it won’t get better.”
But the relationships are less likely to end in divorce than they were in better