The sandwich generation’s survival guide
BEING A busy parent or caring for an older relative can be stressful at times but try d o i n g b o t h a t once. According t o r e s e a r c h by Carers UK, there are 2.4 million carers in the UK who are part of the growing sandwich generation. With an ageing population in our community and many starting families later in life, an increasing number of us will find ourselves in the position of caring for our children as well as parents who have chronic or lifethreatening illnesses.
At 47, Jo Goldfine is the main carer for her 84-year-old mother, Gloria, who lives with her and her husband Antony in Edgware along with their six-year-old son, Sam. Jo explains how it feels to be in the middle of that sandwich.
“When Mum started to become forgetful and confused, we thought that it was just part of the ageing process. First it was small things, like putting her food into the microwave for 25 minutes, instead of into the oven — but then we were getting calls all the time and going from one crisis to the next.
“We were waiting for an assessment and in the meantime, we realised that Mum, who has always been so independent, just couldn’t manage alone any more.
“I am so lucky that I have a very supportive husband — and it was Antony who suggested that Mum should move in with us. She got involved in choosing all the carpets and curtains and she loved helping to plan it all.
“Just a couple of weeks after she moved in, I began to realise that Mum didn’t recognise me at times. People ask me how I manage and I tell them it hurts but that, if I cried every time I realised that she doesn’t recognise me, then I would do nothing else all day.
“I get on with it and assume that I must be doing a good job because Mum’s been here a year and a half and she thinks she’s staying in a lovely hotel. Now and then announces that she will be going home soon.”
Whether a parent is living with their children, as in Jo’s case, or is living with home care or in a care home, being the main carer in this situation can be a strain.
As well as coping with the emotional stress of living with the effects of her mother’s dementia, Jo tries to ensure that Sam’s needs are being met, which is not always a straightforward process, as he has developmental delay.
The flashpoints tend to occur especially in the late afternoons and evenings, with dinner to make and Sam home from school, wanting her attention; she struggles to meet the needs of her mother and son, who both need her in different but equal measures.
Going out is also difficult, because Sam doesn’t take to babysitters and there is the added task of taking care of her mother.
Jo, however, remains upbeat about the situation, maintains a sense of humour and has a good relationship with neighbours who she knows and trusts; it helps that they know Gloria too.
“I phoned the Jewish Care helpline when I was in crisis,” says Jo. “They understood my situation and organised for a member of the family-carers team at Jewish Care’s Leonard Sainer Centre for People Living with Dementia in Edgware to come over and meet us.
“We agreed Mum would start going to the centre. She was reluctant, so I stayed with her for the first visit until the staff and I could see that she was enjoying being there.
“Now she’s the life and soul there what you are coping with. Look to your neighbours, your community and your synagogue for back-up and support groups. Specialist online carers groups can also be great.
After a bad day, remind yourself that tomorrow is another day and it’s a clean slate.
Wine and chocolate!!! and she enjoys seeing the other members when she’s there three times a week.
“The centre gives a rhythm to the week and Mum enjoys getting up, doing her make-up and going out. The staff are amazing. Mum’s always loved painting, so she spends time on her art there.
“On the other two days of the week I will take her shopping — her other passion.”
“While Sam’s at school and Mum’s at the centre, I know it’s my time to get on with the day-to-day things that need to be done.
“When Jewish Care told me about the respite care some carers are entitled to, it made such a difference to know that we would be able to go on holiday as a family again and Mum would be looked after.
“Being a carer is exhausting and I usually flake out pretty early in the evening.
“Now and again, Antony gets home and takes one look at me and suggests it’s a take-out night. It’s a relief to have his love and support and we try to go out at least once a month, even if it’s just to the cinema, so we can relax together.
“I enjoy catching up and having lunch with my close friends when I can and we do what works for us.
“My dog needs walking too, which keeps me fit and I try to eat healthily as I’m aware that, as a carer, I can’t afford to be ill.
“It’s vital to look after yourself as a carer and to make the most of all the support you have and that’s out there.”