Negative effect of ostentatious barmitzvahs

IT SEEMS that, nowadays, celebratory functions in the community are getting more and more lavish but my husband and I aren’t getting any richer. My oldest has been going to his friends’ barmitzvahs this year, and every time he comes home from one talking about how amazing it was, my heart sinks. Obviously we want his own to be as nice as possible, and we know that the emphasis should be on the event itself rather than the glitz and glamour surrounding it, but do you have any advice on how we can make his barmitzvah truly memorable — without having to bankrupt ourselves. YOU’RE RIGHT: in the past few decades, Jewish functions have become ever bigger, more expensive and, in many cases, grotesquely ostentatious.

The events industry — and it is indeed an industry — is making a great deal of money out of parents who don’t want to disappoint their children.

Naturally, you want your son to have a wonderful, memorable barmitzvah, and you don’t want him to feel different or inferior to his friends. But if keeping up with the Cohens means re-mortgaging your home, it’s time to be honest and realistic.

There’s no point telling your son that “in my day, a barmitzvah boy was lucky to be given a fountain pen and a kiddish in the synagogue hall,” because, frankly, he won’t care. You’re ancient and his best mate had Rita Ora performing at his do. But, at 13, he is old enough to understand that not everyone has the same amount of money. Explain this and then focus on the positives: what you can provide.

Ultimately, what matters is that he can see you care, and have made an effort, and that all his mates have a good time. Ask him what he wants. The key is personalising his do and using your imagination. Instead of spending thousands on an expensive, glitzy hall (who genuinely cares about chandeliers?), book somewhere smaller and cheaper and then decorate it yourself, perhaps with a theme reflecting his interests, or with photos.

You could have a tea, or a buffet supper, rather than a catered, sit-down meal for your family and friends, and you could organise a separate party with DJ for your son and his friends. They won’t want to party with the grown-ups, anyway.

Of course, he won’t appreciate the lesson at 13, but you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that, in the long term, not getting everything his friends have will help develop your son’s character.

For one thing, he’ll learn that he can be liked for more than what he’s able to display or buy. For another, he’ll probably become a more fulfilled adult. If children get everything they desire, every time they ask, they learn to believe that happiness is found in external objects.

But material things can only ever give ephemeral pleasure, which is generally followed by emptiness and another craving. Saying no to your son sometimes should help to teach him to look more deeply — internally, not externally — for what makes him happy and fulfilled. MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD son won’t have his hair cut, and wants to dress in princess dresses and paint his nails. He says he is a girl, wants to be known by a girl’s name and only has girls as friends. Is this just a phase? Or should I take it more seriously? THIS IS a difficult situation for any parent to face. But I’m afraid nobody can tell you for certain whether this is “just a phase” or if your son will grow up to be a transgender adult.

Current thinking is that gender is not set in stone — it’s fluid and moveable — and that both gender identity and sexuality fall on a spectrum. In other words, if your son is saying she’s a girl, she is — for now. It might change in the future, it might not.

What’s important is to listen and to give support. Whether or not you think this will last, you must take it seriously and show that you accept it. Try not to laugh at or criticise your son, or to show your discomfort or anxiety.

It might be very helpful for you to get some specialist support to help you deal with this issue. Mermaids (www.mermaids.org.uk) helps young people who feel at odds with their birth gender, or parents of children who feel this way. Call the helpline on 0844 334 0550.

For Jewish specific information and advice, you can contact advocacy organisation Keshet (www. keshetuk.org). There is a section on their website about transgender issues. See: http://www.keshetuk. org/transgender-jewish-voices.html Contact Hilary via email at agony@ thejc.com, anonymously or not. Or write to her at 28 St Albans Lane, London NW11 7QE