Hero worship: Comic talents
QMY HUSBAND has been made redundant and is finding it difficult to adjust to life at home. I feel he should help more about the house, but every time I suggest it he gets angry or upset, and nothing changes. I’m working and trying to do all the housework, shopping and cooking — it’s too much! Plus I am not sure I can really justify the cost of having our son at a nursery if his dad is at home all day. What can I do?
ADON’T UNDERESTIMATE the impact of being made redundant. So much of a person’s selfworth and status — not to mention structure and daily routine — is tied to their job, that losing it can feel like suffering a huge bereavement. For men, redundancy can hit particularly hard, as they may feel that they’ve lost their “provider” role, leaving them feeling useless.
Logically, you are right. You’re over-stretched, and your husband has time on his hands. It doesn’t make sense for you to be paying out nursery fees for your son, while his dad mopes around at home. But this isn’t about logic, it’s about emotion. Push him into the role of child-minder and he will end up feeling emasculated, resentful and depressed, and your marriage will suffer. You need to let him go through the grieving process and slowly, but surely, rebuild his selfbelief and confidence.
This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t ask him to help with the housework, or that he can’t do more child-care. But you need to go gently. In your letter, you sound quite negative, even angry, with him. I sense that you have long felt he should do more to help. This is not the time for recriminations. If you don’t want to harm your relationship, you need to be very careful in the way that you phrase your requests, so that he doesn’t feel pressured or that it’s all he’s now good for. Timing is everything. Ask him to help with individual tasks as they come up, rather than making general statements about what he should be doing. Always sound positive, so he feels he’s doing you a favour, that he’s valuable and wanted.
At the same time, be positive about his job prospects and, if he suggests it, be open to any ideas about retraining or even starting his own business. Don’t underestimate the time and energy it takes to look for new work — it really is a job in itself.
Sometimes, talking about this kind of issue can be tricky and make you both feel vulnerable. A counselling tip is to talk to each other when you’re both facing in the same direction, rather than sitting opposite each other — for example when you’re in a car or sitting on the sofa watching TV. This makes it easier to say things that you feel anxious about. If you feel frustrated, telling him won’t help. Instead, write your feelings down, perhaps in a letter that you’ll never send.
QMY 10-YEAR-OLD daughter is already talking about her batmitzvah. She’s seen her three older brothers’ barmitzvahs and wants hers to be the same, down to the leyning. But we belong to an Orthodox shul, and the rabbi isn’t very enlightened. Should we change shuls for my daughter’s sake? Is there a way in which I can persuade our community to accommodate her wishes?
AWHAT GIRLS can and can’t do in their batmitzvahs is a hot topic, what with the Chief Rabbi’s call for “opportunities for more meaningful batmitzvah celebrations” and the changing options available as discussed in an article in last week’s
It’s wonderful that your daughter is so enthusiastic about her impending batmitzvah. And, as a feminist, I can’t argue with her: why shouldn’t she enjoy exactly what her three brothers had, just because she’s a girl? My own bat chayil, as one of about 12 girls celebrating on the same day, did little to foster an enduring relationship with my synagogue. Neither did being forced to sit in the ladies’ gallery and look down on proceedings.
But times have changed. Girls can now enjoy more meaningful celebrations in some communities. If your synagogue isn’t one of them, then it’s likely your daughter will end up feeling rejected and excluded. In the long term she may lose her enthusiasm for — and commitment to — Judaism.
Isn’t it worth talking to your rabbi? It’s unlikely he’ll change his outlook, but it might be possible to reach a compromise. If not, you have time to find a synagogue where your daughter can celebrate in the way she desires.