‘The icing looked like cockroaches’
BY GETTING rid of Lovely Liam last week, and keeping Clumsy Kate, who scraped her clanger off the floor, Bake Off judges Prue and Paul offended the natural law of TV justice. And handing Stacey the Star Baker accolade was dangerous, too. Had she peaked too soon? Would she be impeded in the semi final by galloping Imposter Syndrome?
Bling, colour, sparkle and excitement, that’s what Stacey brings to a bake. And this time she seemed to have surpassed herself, with her plans for chouxnicorns and chouxemojis. Yes, Stacey was honouring Bake Off’s years of smutty wordplay by baking buns sporting little horns. What could possibly go wrong?
The tent was hot, Stacey’s horns were fiddly, her frown deepened and her self-esteem seemed to plummet. “I’m such an idiot,” she groaned, closely followed by “I’m having a very, very, very bad morning,” and “I’ve done it wrong, done it wrong”.
Noel appointed himself as Stacey’s carer as she filled her chouxnicorns and her chouxemojis were crackling in the oven. But when the judges arrived, Prue pointed out that they were the colour of curry. And — Prue was too polite to say this — the icing on top looked like dead cockroaches or possibly cat poo.
The chouxnicorns, when bitten, exploded into rainbow colours. Blue isn’t a great choice for bun-filler.
“Not your finest hour,” said Paul. They would, however, have been perfect if one were catering a bris. What of Stacey’s opponents? Calm, cool Sophie’s buns fell a bit flat. Steven’s were soft and untidy but perfectly flavoured.
Then, for the technical challenge, the bakers had to make some baffling Belgian multi-layered confection, named Les Miserables, like Hugo’s novel about poverty and starvation.
Unfortunately, one layer called for green colouring. Stacey’s came out the colour of astroturf — which Prue thought was harsh but pretty. Still, our heroine managed to come second — all was not lost. Calm Sophie won.
On to the all-important show stopper round. The bakers were challenged to make meringue sculptures. Stacey opted for flamingos. If she were a bird she would be a glorious, fluorescent, flamboyant pink ball of feathers, tottering on unsteady pins. But her face went as pink as the flamingos, and their chocolate eggs got stuck in their tray.
When gentle attempts to extract the eggs failed, Stacey smashed the tin down on the work surface, sending her cooling birds flying. Would her dreams end in a pile of shattered sugary shards?
Thankfully, she grabbed them in time. But, alas, “I cracked my head off”. Emergency bird surgery took place. Judging time. Sophie’s tutu resembled a mutilated limbless torso, but the judges liked it. Kate’s rainbow was pooled in a mess of cream and fruit. The judges thought it was wonderful.
Team Stacey despaired. Stacey’s flamingos were legless. They looked like sunburned swans who’d had one too many and were now huddled over some takeaway boxes. Their eggs nestled in silver meringue, the texture of phlegm.
Perhaps Stacey hadn’t been ambitious enough, for the first time ever? But Steven was overambitious and suffered bad cracking. Was there hope for Stacey after all?
It was not to be. Sophie was Star Baker, and the Mother of Chouxnicorns didn’t make it into the final three.
You may not have had many fans on Twitter but, Stacey, we’re really proud of you. Dry your eyes. You made our lives a lot more sparkly. Now you can relax.
Sophie’s tutu resembled a mutilated torso’