Multiple choice
How can we give our children the best chance to shine, at school and beyond? The answers may surprise you
SOCIAL MEDIA is awash with comment about how parents can deal with the pressures of raising teenagers, but we read far less about how teenagers should deal with the pressures of raising parents. Unfortunately, many parents disguise the huge weight of expectation on children’s shoulders by telling Josh and Talia they just want them to achieve their best. This can be confusing for young people and lead to anxiety as, despite what they say, teenagers do care what parents think. Another trap is for parents to share their own experiences with children in an attempt to ensure they “do better than us” or “don’t make the mistakes I did”.
So, teenagers make choices that are not about them, but about fulfilling the dreams of others. A contributory cause of teenage anxiety could be that Josh does not want to be a doctor and Talia does not want to be an accountant — or at least they do not know what they want when selecting GCSEs. But often they follow the path of least resistance to please the parent.
A “career for life” is a 20th century expectation. Josh and Talia might come around to medicine and consultancy, just not right now. The advice must be to let teenagers follow their aspirations, especially when choosing GCSEs, A-levels or university courses.
So how should our teenagers cope with academic, social and parental pressures? Firstly, they must recognise that moments of tension come and go quickly, like a wave that builds, then ebbs. It is important to recognise where in the cycle the wave is. Is it building, perhaps, because they have left work to the last minute? Even if they cannot calm their internal voice at that moment, they can recognise this will pass. Taking a minute to discuss how they feel with parents or a school counsellor can dissipate the wave. If they find this difficult, writing down worries, maybe in a text message, is a good way of identifying how they are feeling. It can always be sent to a parent at a later stage.
If teenagers can recognise the peaks and troughs of their wave, this may allow them to design better routines. In the sixth form, school life is more of a challenge of project management. Adjusting to this by planning regular study and me-time might at least bring down the size of the ripple at key pressure points such as exam time.
Enable teenagers to follow their own aspirations