MENTAL HEALTH SHABBAT
HOW TO HELP OUR KIDS
I REMEMBER the first time I saw someone have a panic attack. It happened to a cousin of mine. I must have been about 12 years old. My wee Scottish granny was there too. She must have been in her 70s.
My cousin started breathing quickly, her palms became sweaty and when she spoke she sounded shrill and shaky. As a typical selfabsorbed tweenager, I just sat there and looked on with awkward curiosity.
However, my granny knew exactly what to do. Without skipping a beat, she put one hand on my cousin’s arm, stroked her back with the other and whispered softly into her ear. I don’t remember what she said but I do remember that within a short time my cousin had calmed down and was feeling much better.
Fast forward several years. I now work as a family therapist for the NHS in CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service) and see young people with anxiety and low mood on a regular basis. I also see their families, parents and carers.
I count myself as extremely lucky to have such a rewarding job. There is no better feeling than helping a client and their family regain their happiness and serenity. It is a process through which so much is gained.
But, disappointingly, I’ve noticed that the family’s journey towards improved mental health involves some loss as well. All too often, having sought professional help, the parents lose their belief in their own expertise.
When families come to see me, they open their hearts and their lives. They describe their difficulties to me with many personal details. They entrust me with their child’s wellbeing and I pray that I can help. However, what they don’t realise is that there are many questions that can only be answered by the parents themselves.
Parents don’t see how important their own intuitive responses are, often more helpful than those of highly qualified clinicians.
Indeed, studies have shown that the biggest factor of change across all types of therapeutic interventions is the quality of the relationship between the client and the therapist.
What greater healing can therefore be achieved through the deep bond between a caring parent and their own child? And how can this be achieved if the parents completely outsource their own intuition and ideas?
Let me stop here to emphasise that I am not saying that when you
Having sought professional help, parents lose belief in their own expertise
are concerned about your child’s wellbeing you should not reach out for guidance.
Of course, when your son or daughter is struggling, it is vitally important to ask for help. To use an analogy, when your child has an earache you make an appointment with the GP. If the earache is really bad, you might call 111 or take them to A&E.
But let’s say that the earache is moderate. You make an appointment with your local doctor. They’ll probably give you antibiotics. But while you are waiting for the appointment, what do you do with your child? You monitor them, give them lots of fluids, keep their temperature down, make sure they aren’t too active.
We all know intuitively how to look after our children’s physical health. And I would argue that we all know innately how to look after their mental health, too. Seeking professional help should enhance your skills as a parent and give you the confidence to continue what you are doing well already.
Of course, along the way there may be some exceptions.
To continue with the earache example, perhaps you’d always thought that it’s best to keep your child indoors when they are poorly. But your GP tells you that it’s better to wrap them up and give them some fresh air.
Similarly, with mental health, sometimes the professional may give you advice that makes you think about things differently and alter your behaviour.
But this doesn’t mean that you can’t retain the confidence that in your parental gut you generally know what is best for your child.
Being a parent of a child with mental health difficulties can be a painful, isolating and difficult place to be. One mum described it to me as “like being dropped into the middle of a maze wearing a blindfold — and knowing that everyone on the outside is pointing their finger at you”.
There are so many feelings of selfblame, guilt and regret for the mum and dad. It is hard to remember what you used to know with certainty just because you are the parent.
But despite this, it may still be possible to hold tight to the belief that, as a parent, you can still do it.
You can still love best and you can still know best and you can still be proud of yourself for doing the best that you can for your child.
So if there was one recommendation that I would make to you, the parent, it is this: never forget that you are the expert over your child’s life. Of course, you should seek advice and follow expert guidance. However, at the same time, do not allow your own wisdom to be overlooked. Retain the confidence in your own long and varied understanding of your child.
And when you do, remember to share and explain your thoughts and suggestions to the professionals with whom you meet. I deeply believe the key to a child’s mental health recovery may lie in you, the parent’s, expertise. Let’s all not forget it.
We all innately know how to look after their mental health
Chana Hughes is the Rebbetzen of Radlett United synagogue. She works part time as a family therapist in St Albans NHS and privately from her home in Radlett
MICHAEL ESTRIN had retired after a successful career as a freelance hairdresser. On the surface, things should have been fine.
But he missed his work and with time on his hands, he began to ponder regrets in his personal life — not having married, or had children.
“I was taking pills for depression that I didn’t realise were not doing me any good,” he told the JC at mental health charity Jami’s dinner at Alexandra Palace, where the Bushey resident’s story was among those featured in the appeal film. “I just felt there was no hope.” At this point, he attempted suicide.
He was in hospital receiving specialist treatment when a Jami representative came to visit. “She was just fantastic,” Mr Estrin, 72, recalled. He began attending the Jami hub in Edgware for a creative writing group and felt immediately that “I was going to get better and it was going to be Jami that got me better”.
Three years on, he has made many new friends and now facilitates the creative writing group.
“It gives me something to look forward to every week. It’s like a second family.” He had agreed for his story to be told “to give back what they gave me. If it wasn’t for Jami, I wouldn’t be here today.”
The dinner raised some £330,000 towards the £3 million the charity needs to generate “just to maintain existing services — and demand is increasing”. Another of those featured in the appeal film was Nivi Feldman from Borehamwood, who said that “mental health was always a big thing in my life.
“I grew up with a mum who suffered from being bipolar. A few years ago she was so ill. In the middle of that I was pregnant and [with] all the stress I had a miscarriage.”
Her mother died a year ago; her father suffered a major stroke and is in recovery in Israel. Seeing the documentary The Stranger on the Bridge — about Jonny Benjamin’s search to find the passer-by who had stopped him from jumping off Westminster Bridge in 2008 — made her appreciate that many people had mental health issues.
She had been trying to set up support activities at her synagogue, Borehamwood and Elstree United, when she was alerted to Jami. She has also been involved in the creative writing programme at Edgware and confessed that until filming the video, she was unaware of Mr Estrin’s story. “Richard is the most comforting person,” she told the JC. “I thought he was a therapist.”
Indeed, “everyone was so accepting and warm and caring. It was literally the first time in a long time that I didn’t feel like a failure.”
Ms Feldman initially got involved as an ambassador. But as things deteriorated in her own life, she plucked up the courage to ask for support.
“The service they offer is amazing. I saw an occupational therapist one-on-one. Slowly they’ve helped me to develop skills to keep my mental health in place.
“I am now doing things I never did before. It’s amazing what they’ve done for me.”
New Jami chair Adam Dawson told the 340 guests that the charity had grown in 30 years to the point where it directly supported more than 1,300 people “with significant mental illness”. This was through its work in the community and in its social enterprise and mental health hubs, including its pioneering Golders Green café, Head Room.
And in the past 12 months, “our team of mental health professionals have provided over 27,000 separate service interactions. This can be anything from a one-to-one session with an occupational therapist, support from a trained peer support worker or a hospital visit”.
In addition, “we are very proud that in the last year we have supported nearly 50 people to return to education or employment and had over 4,000 participants in our education programmes.”
Evidence of the charity’s reach was that nearly 150 communities will be involved in this weekend’s Mental Health Awareness Shabbat. And following the Football Association’s “Take A Minute — Heads Up” initiative, Maccabi league fixtures will kick off a minute late on Sunday allowing players and spectators to focus on their mental health.
The dinner guest speaker was Sir Brian Leveson, who looked back on his legal career, including his chairing of the public inquiry into the practices and ethics of the British press in the wake of the hacking scandal. He said it had been an insight into human behaviour — and misbehaviour — and he had quickly appreciated the impact on the lives of both famous and ordinary people, such as the McCanns and the Dowlers.
If gives me something to look forward to every week’
We directly support 1,300 people with significant mental illness’