When there is no kaddish, a suggestion

IT IS ingrained in our psyche that a son must say kaddish when his parents pass on to the next world. Not saying kaddish leaves us with an incomplete feeling; it’s as if the correct “send-off” was not given.

But, does it have to be like that? Since the lockdown, there has rarely been a minyan at the cemetery, and the shiva is a private one. No visitors, certainly not enough to say kaddish. What can we do for loved ones?

This question is really an awkward one. After all, half of the population are female, and although the London Beth Din recently permitted women to recite kaddish alongside men, women are not obliged to say kaddish three times a day with a minyan. Allow me please to tell you a personal story.

I was three when my grandmother, Esther Golda Shemtov, passed away. I recall her. I also remember some parts of the shiva. One of my memories is of my grandfather, Rabbi Bentzion Shemtov, taking two blank tzedokoh boxes together with two sticky labels on which he wrote my grandmother’s name and a list of her attributes. My grandfather gave one of these boxes to my mother, the other to my Aunt Mrs Bassie Azimov, of blessed memory. This box became known as ‘Bobby’s Box’.

We grew up with a special Friday afternoon ritual. Just before candle lighting, my parents would give me and my siblings four large pennies and we would put one into a tzedokoh box labelled Lubavitch Foundation, one in a box labelled Colel Chabad (for the Poor in Eretz Yisroel), one in the box labelled Keren Chana (a special charity that the Rebbe set up in the name of his mother), and the last one in Bobby’s Box.

Bobby’s Box was not assigned to a specific charity. Occasionally, my parents would empty Bobby’s box and designate the funds to a specific cause.

One night I woke up and saw my mother crying in the kitchen. Then I saw her take some money out and put it into Bobby’s box, and she stopped crying. For years I would recall this vision without understanding it.

Years later, the story became clear. My grandfather was giving his two daughters a ‘replacement’ for kaddish. Instead of saying the prayer, they were giving tzedokah. There was one important difference however. The obligation to say kaddish finishes after 11 months, but ‘Bobby’s Box’ does not end.

I would like to suggest to all bereaved people, especially at this time, to set aside a tzedokoh box dedicated to their dear departed relative. They should use it when kaddish would be said, and by doing so they are still giving honour and comfort to their relative.

Rabbi Leivi Sudak is head of Edgware Chabad