Rabbi, I have a problem
QUESTION: When I had my batmitzvah, I was given a fountain pen. In today’s more transient and electronic age I wondered if you had suggestions for what might be a valued gift that would be long lasting?
An Orthodox view
► I HONESTLY cannot say why the pen was, at one point, such a ubiquitous barmitzvah gift. Perhaps writing was seen as a grown-up pastime and so an appropriate coming of age gift. Alternatively, it might owe its origins to an individual who could not think of anything better and then it just caught on.
After all, a young teen, sitting between childhood and adulthood, is a difficult age to satisfy with a gift, making the social convention of gifting a pen an easy option.
I do not recall receiving a pen. I did receive a forebear’s pocket watch that served no practical purpose, which probably explains why I misplaced it, never to be found again. I also received some modest gifts of money but mostly I received books, specifically sifrei kodesh (sacred books of Jewish learning).
Most of the books were well beyond me. At the tender age of 13, I couldn’t follow Rabbi Jacob Josua Falk’s complex analysis of Talmud in his threevolume work P’nei Yehoshua. Nor was I able to make heads or tails of Rabbi Joseph Rosen’s highly cryptic Tzafnat Pane’ach (which ironically means “Decipherer of Secrets”!) And yet I cherished these gifts in the knowledge that one day, I would crack them. In the meantime, they assumed pride of place on my increasingly crowded bookshelves, and they became the seeds of a personal Judaic library that now contains hundreds of volumes.
Why give a 13-year-old a book they won’t be able to understand? Because in doing so you are making a statement about the kid’s potential. The books are as much a promise as they are a gift, and the promise is that folks believe in you and trust you to grow into someone who will understand these books and love them.
Jewish bookstores often have a bar or batmitzvah list, indicating which books the celebrant would like to receive. It a helpful way to buy a gift that you know will be appreciated. However, in my experience I’ve sometimes found the texts chosen to be rather basic, in line with the aptitude of a 12- or 13-year-old.
When this is the case, I will deliberately choose an unlisted book that I know is well beyond the intellectual grasp of the young man or young woman I’m gifting it to. It is my hope that in receiving my cerebral gift they also receive the confidence necessary to eventually come to master it.
Rabbi Brawer is Neubauer executive director of Hillel, Tufts University
A Progressive view
I am not worried if a book remains on the shelf’
► YOUR QUESTION REMINDS of the old Nero cartoon of a rabbi presenting a barmitzvah pupil with an umbrella, saying “I thought I’d give you this instead of a prayer book, because at least you’ll open it a few times a year!”
Like all jokes, it was based on a truth that listeners would recognise, in this case that barmitzvah was a departure point from Judaism, rather than entry into a higher level of engagement.
Thankfully that is becoming less and less the case. In my synagogue, though I know this is true of many others, they stay on for post-bar/batmitzvah, and then do a GCSE Judaism or other courses, eventually become teaching assistants, with many staying on till 18.
This is not just a welcome change, but affects the type of gift you might give in two ways. First, I am very sure that it should be a Jewish one. It would be far too limiting to say that one’s thirteenth birthday is one’s Jewish birthday, for all one’s birthdays are, but it is certainly the one expressed most Jewishly. Secondly, it means that one can give an item that, frankly, they may not appreciate at the time, but that may become much more relevant later on, as their faculties develop and their involvement with the various currents in wider society increases.
I am not worried if a book of Jewish knowledge, for instance, lies on the shelf for the next four years, as I know they may well want to look something up when they are in the sixth form that is suddenly relevant, be it Jewish attitudes to ecology, medical ethics or reincarnation.
If you feel they are more into box-sets or headphones rather than reading, then how about getting them to understand the diversity within Judaism and how we still have much in common with Jews different from us?
If the person is from a Reform background, then what better than Shtisel to learn about Charedi ways. For an Orthodox person, how about Radio 4’s The Attractive Young Rabbi about a female rabbi and her congregation.
What about a donation towards the cost of a Jewish holiday camp, the experience of which can be transformative and have a lasting impact on their Jewish identity and friendships.
You might also consider any Jewish items the person might need on leaving home, such as a hanukkiah or havdalah set. Rabbi Romain is rabbi of Maidenhead (Reform) Synagogue