Coping with a ‘thumbs down’ day
Imagine if every day was happy, positive and productive, with time to do all the things you would like to do as well as the things that you must do, if you could complete every task you attempted with ease and if each of the people you wanted to talk to was ready and willing to listen for indefinite amounts of time. How would that feel? Incredible, I think. As adults, our experiences have shown us that this is not the everyday pattern of life and, generally, we manage the ups and downs. But what about our children and young people? For them, when things do not go their way, they can experience anything from a minor upset, which passes quickly or with distraction, to a huge disappointment, which can lead to resistance to participate and, in some cases, anxiety. So, what can we do to help to bridge the gap between expectations and reality?
At Immanuel College Preparatory School, we talk openly with the children about the range of emotions that we all experience and the inevitability that we all have times when we feel happy and times when we do not.
With our youngest pupils, we refer to ‘thumbs up’ and ‘thumbs down’ days. From reception to year six, we use the Ten Keys to Happier Living, from Action for Happiness, (www.actionforhappiness.org) an evidence-based approach to building resilience. We give explicit instruction to our pupils about strategies they can use to cope with feelings and situations they do not like but cannot avoid. These ‘keys’ can be adapted for use at home:
KEY 1. GIVING
Do kind things for others. Giving tzedakah, sharing playground equip
ment, helping distribute books, collecting food or goods for those in need; small, regular acts by one person on behalf of another can change the way your day is progressing and so how you are feeling.
KEY 2. RELATING
Connect with people. A chat with a friend in the playground is a great chance to connect, as is working with a partner or small group or attending a sports club or choir. Strengthening bonds with others buoys our mood and leaves us more willing to get involved.
KEY 3. EXERCISING
Take care of your body. PE lessons and sports clubs are practical opportunities to learn the value of exercise — at ICPS we also have a weekly well-being walk around the campus, in all but the rainiest of weather. Conversations about how exercise influences our feelings, as well as the importance of a healthy diet and a good night’s sleep, help children grasp an easy-to-access key that can make a big difference.
KEY 4. AWARENESS
Live mindfully. When you stop and appreciate your surroundings, maybe focusing on items of a particular colour or beginning with a specific letter, you create a space in your mind and an opportunity to recalibrate. Mindful breathing exercises allow us to experience being in the moment, as do daily tefillah and Shabbat; a time to stop and just be, then re-evaluate and move on.
KEY 5. TRYING OUT
Keep trying new things — in the classroom, on the playing field, in a new club, in the playground. Supporting children in the early stages of new experiences and scaffolding their learning gives them confidence to have a go. Celebrating their efforts and successes encourages them to keep going.
KEY 6. DIRECTION
Have goals to look forward to. Goals are the stepping stones from where I am to where I want to be. Helping children identify targets in their schoolwork, skills they would like to gain or experiences they would like to try, helps keep them forward-thinking — the planning, as well as the achieving, brings happiness.
KEY 7. RESILIENCE
Find ways to bounce back. “Bouncebackability” means we are willing to try again, ask for help when we need it and recognise these steps are part of the pathway to achievement.
KEY 8. EMOTIONS
Look for what’s good. The focus on what I have, rather than what I have not got, “cup half full”, promotes gratitude and satisfaction which in turn spur us on to achieve more. Encouraging children to look beyond themselves and see the good in others extends the reach of this key.
KEY 9. ACCEPTANCE
Be comfortable with who you are. We are all different; all have strengths and weaknesses. By encouraging children to recognise their strong points and be proud of who they are, we build confidence in each unique individual.
KEY 10. MEANING
Be part of something bigger. Connecting and contributing to the world around us, through family, school and community, shows each of us that we matter. Encouraging children to participate in social, educational and communal events helps them understand their value. And, when someone feels valued, their positive emotions expand.
An acronym for the keys is G.R.E.A.T. D.R.E.A.M. Having the keys at our fingertips can take a dream and make it into reality, a world in which our children have the means to make themselves happier, others happier and together to achieve their potential to the benefit of all.