How can I get my daughter to talk to her family again?
QMy daughter is 13 years old. We used to have a great relationship. In primary school she had a nice group of friends and was very chatty — we shared everything. For the last few months she has spent more and more time in her room, alone, with her devices and phone. She refuses to join us for any family time or activities and tries to get out of Friday night dinners. She does not say much to me or her dad. She seems to have friends from school, and she chats away to them on her phone and goes out with them, but I don’t know who they are. She is communicating with them constantly on social media, but I do not have a clue about what’s going on in her techy world as I am embarrassingly still a bit of a techno-dinosaur. Should I worry about her or is this just normal teenage behaviour?
AThis dilemma is both a tricky and common one. Many physical, emotional and developmental changes happen during adolescence; it is a difficult and confusing stage. Your daughter is figuring out her place in the world as an emerging adult. She still needs you to see her strengths, offer reassurance and believe in her. She still needs your love, attention and support just in a slightly different way.
First, let’s establish what not to worry about! You say that your daughter is withdrawn from you — this sounds concerning. Withdrawing from interactions with others is a potential red flag for deteriorating mental health. But you said that she has a busy social life, so she is not avoiding social contact altogether, just interacting with you. This sounds like an age-appropriate shift towards developing a peerbased sense of self and social identity. Parents often feel hurt when their children, who were only babes in arms a few years ago, pull away and seek the approbation of their friends, rolling their eyes on their way out. But it is this crucial separation that enables them to develop their independence.
You and your husband need to think carefully about how to reestablish your communication and strengthen your relationship with your daughter, as this is key. I would recommend that you gently name the problem and speak directly to her about how you can be closer but remember to do so without criticism or interrogation. With respect and curiosity discuss how you can spend some time in each other’s company in a way that she would enjoy and feel appreciated. Take a strong interest in what she likes and practice listening to her without judgement. If talking is too much at first, try just hanging out or doing small activities together. You could also try to link her up with a trustworthy older relative or friend so that she has someone who she can confide in to make sure she is safe when it might be too difficult to open up to you.
Next, let’s think about what you should be worrying about! Although teenagers need more freedom, your daughter is only 13 and still needs firm boundaries. Like children, teenagers need to be secure that you, as the parent, are responsible for their physical and emotional safety. You need to improve your technological knowledge or find someone who can help you to make sure that your daughter is maintaining online safety. As a parent, you can ask for access to your daughter’s online passwords, not because you are going to pry but because you need that level of transparency to keep a child of her age safe. Similarly, you can set reasonable screen time boundaries and ask her who she is going out with, where and when she will come back.
Your daughter is between childhood and adulthood, which means that she will oscillate between those positions. She needs to be treated with more respect and given more responsibility and choices, so you will need to explain and discuss the boundaries that you set. Teenagers should be given the freedom to negotiate boundaries respectfully and you need to listen and empathise even if you don’t end up changing your rules. Alternatively, you may tweak them if the discussion with your child makes you understand a new perspective.
Now that she has shifted into a new stage of life you need to think about how to connect with her on a different level, which takes thought, effort and intentionally ignoring a few eye rolls along the way! Having said all that, you know your child best and if you are still concerned please do seek professional advice. Wishing you lots of luck!
Teenagers should be given the freedom to negotiate boundaries respectfully