Thanks for the rave reviews – but did you read it?
ALETTER arrives from the British Library Public Lending Right Department. And it’s good news. I appear to have amassed the grand total of £1.92 for the 14 enlightened souls who last year rushed to their public libraries to borrow my work ‘100 Days on Holy Island’.
I type the word ‘rushed’ in a no doubt pathetic attempt to imbue the fact with more relevance than it deserves. Few of my books have been best sellers, though one, ‘Broke Through Britain’ did achieve that status round the turn of the century and for a six months spell I was sought out and interviewed about said publication by TV and radio stations throughout the kingdom.
As these interviews progressed, one thing became rapidly apparent. None of those interviewing me had actually read the book. They were content merely to scan the accompanying publisher’s press release.
This is the kind of dubious practice to which many publishers turn a blind eye if it means the book still gets good publicity, but, it can leave you, the author, feeling somehow short-changed.
In one of the first interviews, the interviewer coined the phrase ‘the Penniless Pilgrim’ which appears nowhere in the book and has never been used by me.
From then on almost every interview spoke of ‘the Penniless Pilgrim’ as if it were part of the book title itself, proving how media interviews feed on their own. I began to tire of the whole process and by the time the production assistant from the Vanessa Feltz morning show rang, I asked, ‘has Vanessa actually read the book?’
There was a pause and then, ‘Vanessa is an extremely busy woman and doesn’t have time to read everything sent to her by publishers.’
‘It would be nice for once’ I grumbled, ‘to be interviewed by someone who has actually read the book.’
I arrived at the London television studios for the live interview and when I was being beautified in make-up, Vanessa Feltz walked in.
‘I’d just like you to know’ she said, ‘I was up very late night and I have now read your book cover to cover.’
I was, for once, impressed and of all the interviews, that was the one I most enjoyed. She made not a single mention of ‘The Penniless Pilgrim’.
Vanessa Feltz’s name of course is still prominent in media circles and I’m still raking in the loot for library loans of my books - £1.92p for One
Hundred Days on Holy Island alone for last year in case you’d forgotten. It’s tough at the top.
HAD I not become a writer, who knows what path would have been taken. A rock star? OK – a slight exaggeration. Allright – a huge exaggeration. Though when at Sheffield University I played the harmonica in two live gigs for a student band. The band somehow was never signed up by a record label and we weren’t much good anyway. I often wonder about the other four band members and how their lives turned out.
Chartered accountants? Biologists? Drug smugglers?
A few of my friends are right now (sort of ) living out that youthful dream here on North Tyneside. They’re in a band called Filth.
They are all middle-aged and comfortable, but no matter. The name Filth has more than the required hint of scandal and rebellion and some of their songs are a bit dodgy.
Under the previous name of ‘Muscle’, some years ago the band performed an opening set before one of my small-scale plays at The Low Lights Tavern in North Shields. A group of female audience members took exception to the lyrics of one of their songs (it was about Jack the Ripper) and they walked out before the interval.
Secretly I think the band were thrilled, though I was a bit miffed. The protesters (who were school teachers) missed my entire play.
Filth vocalist and lyricist Colin Cameron’s voice sounds like a rusty door hinge. The word singing doesn’t really come to mind, nor I suspect, would he want it to.
You can get an evening of Filth tonight at Three Tanners Bank in North Shields should you wish.
■ Planet Corona – The First One Hundred Columns, IRON Press, £8.00
■ pmortimer@xlnmail.com