Hello! Have we hit on a new parenting tactic?
Victoria likes to remind me of events I already know about to reassure herself I’ve got a plan in place.
This time, it was the parents’ evening she’d mentioned daily for the last week, and I was now so aware of it, it was all I could think of.
Since they have one every term, this was now our fifth and you’d think my brain would have accustomed itself to the fact I’m a proper grown-up father of twins, yet still it’s an emotional struggle for me.
As soon as I walk through the school doors, I’m transported back to a familiar time and the idea I’m now a parent rather than a pupil seems ludicrous.
A psychologist might think I struggle with the reality of ageing and accepting adulthood, but let’s call it young at heart.
My mental battles aren’t helped by the teachers all being so young and dare I say it, trendy.
In my day, they had beards, Farah trousers and elbow patches on tweed jackets, whatever their gender, but Mrs Cooke wore a glittery pair of fancy trainers.
Once we’d got the usual chat about the size of the chairs (small) and TV (big) out the way it was down to business.
“He loves maths, and drawing,” said Mrs Cooke, who I presume has a first name although I’m conditioned to address any teacher formally therefore was unaware of it.
Genetically, we’d attribute the maths to my dad and Victoria liked art so that was fine even if I’m still waiting for my children to have inherited something from me... maybe we’ll discover they too love red wine and cheese.
The general gist was Thomas was fine and we moved on to Emma. “Sometimes, Emma doesn’t say ‘hello’, or answer questions, it can look like she’s being rude,” Mrs Jones explained.
“Oh no, I’m so sorry, I don’t believe it,” Victoria exclaimed. Although disappointing, this kind of reaction I’d save for the news she’d set up an illegal gambling cartel and was threatening classmates for money, whereas I’d say she was wary of teachers.
The discussion of Emma’s ability to say ‘hello’ continued until I heard a noise behind me. I looked around to see both Emma and Thomas with their heads pressed against the glass middle of the wooden door listening to every word.
We thanked Mrs Jones and left the room to Emma greeting us with an enthusiastic ‘HELLO’.
Her constant greetings of ‘Hello’ continued for the next day and I realised we’d struck upon a parenting tactic, where all we had to do was criticise the children, in full knowledge they were listening.
The only problem was the potential psychological damage of the twins hearing you constantly complain about them, so we decided to continue with the ineffective shouting we’re all comfortable with and save our discovery for emergencies.
My mental battles aren’t helped by the teachers all being so young and dare I say it, trendy.