I FEEL TOO GUILTY TO LEAVE MY WIFE

I was born into a dysfunctional Catholic family where my father would get drunk, gamble and mistreat my mother. My siblings and I were terrified of him. He would threaten to leave, but we needed him as he was the only breadwinner. Perhaps because of his behaviour, I turned into a rebel – mainly a practical joker, but it got me into trouble and my parents would beat me as a result. I married many years ago and my wife and I don’t have children. I am unhappy in the relationship as we are very different people. She is wealthy, successful and materialistic, whereas I am more of a ‘lost soul’, but kind-hearted and spiritual. I am well-educated and financially comfortable, but not in the same league as my wife. There is no intimacy between us and she has really neglected her appearance. I wish I had the guts to leave her, but would feel so guilty. You are probably finding it difficult to leave your wife because of your early childhood experiences. When you were young, you were terrified of your father and you and your siblings probably did everything you could to avoid upsetting him because you feared the consequences. It was only when you were in your teens that you began to rebel and then you got beaten, which is appalling. So now, although you are unhappy in the marriage, it’s difficult for you to stand up to your wife because, unlike your father, you are caring, kind and don’t want to hurt her. Divorce is painful, especially if one of you does not want it, but there are no children involved and to spend the rest of your life in an unhappy marriage would be soul-destroying – not only for you but for your wife, as well. You say you were brought up as a Catholic, so the Catholic guilt might linger. Have counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk) to support you through a divorce.