QUOTES of the week

‘You’re a bit of a c*** yourself.’

Judge Patricia Lynch

responds to a racist thug who launched a four-letter tirade at her in court. ‘It’s easier for ET to come to Piccadilly Circus.’

Leicester City boss Claudio Ranieri

believes there is more chance of aliens landing in London than of his team defending their Premier League title. ‘8lb (that’s 16 packs of butter for you bakers out there).’

Chef Jamie Oliver

announces the weight of his newborn son. ‘Did you see what she did? Saying something a little bit risque over breakfast and then saying, “It’s Nick’s fault.”’

Nick Robinson

after his Today programme co-host Sarah Montague claimed he wanted to know whether a new version of Are You Being Served? features ‘Mrs Slocombe’s pussy’. ‘All I will say is that Victoria and Albert had nine children in 13 years.’

Writer Daisy Goodwin

promises passion in Jenna Coleman’s TV portrayal of a young Victoria, left. ‘Leaving Isis is like trying to escape from Alcatraz with a shootto-kill order added in.’

Lawyer Tasnime Akunjee

following the death of British jihadi bride Kadiza Sultana, who told her family she wanted to leave Syria. ‘Oh that is a big amount. It looks like someone has fallen asleep on the keyboard.’

Tax official

to railway worker Giles Hembrough, who received a £14trillion bill by mistake. ‘Mocking Right-wing views is edgy satire. Mocking Left-wing views is hate speech.’

Comedian Andrew Lawrence

who says he is not afraid to poke fun at all sides. ‘Know that I am so close behind you that if you stretch out your hand, I think you can reach mine.’

Leonard Cohen

in a letter to Marianne Stang Ihlen, left – the beauty who inspired his greatest songs – just days before her death last week aged 81.