QUOTES of the week

‘Selection already exists in state schools. It’s called selection by house price.’ Prime Minister Theresa May as she vows to introduce new grammar schools.

‘I’ve been to the casino.’ Sports Direct boss Mike Ashley pulls a wad of £50 notes from his pocket at his warehouse where staff were paid less than the minimum wage.

‘Braconid.’ Brett Smitherham’s highest scoring word on his way to claiming the World Scrabble title – it means a parasitic wasp. ‘Is it not an anathema to be funded by the liberal Western democracy he so adamantly despises?’ Mr Justice Holroyde jails Islamist hate preacher Anjem Choudary and questions why he was happy to claim £500,000 in state benefits.

‘My phone battery life lasts longer than Taylor Swift’s relationships.’ Twitter user as the pop star ends her latest romance – this time with actor Tom Hiddleston.

‘If you are in lodgings, don’t get too familiar with your landlady’s daughter as she is probably more clever than you.’ Newly discovered Cambridge University guide to new undergraduates in 1893.

‘Pasta is eaten by happy, smiley people having fun. Noodles are eaten by people who have no friends.’ Food critic A.A. Gill on why he prefers Italian cuisine to Chinese.

‘Come in and try the worst porridge that one woman on TripAdvisor had in her life.’ Notice outside a Stockport cafe by owner Arlo Calderbank, who has embraced negative reviews online.

‘The cover ordered you to “Mount! Jilly Cooper” but I’m too old to accommodate you all, so instead I want you to form an orderly line and shake my hand.’ Jilly Cooper jokes at the launch of her new novel, Mount!