Drop the suit, Ed – and that 10lb bag of potatoes
BALLS wins glitter ball. I can safely (and thankfully) say that is a headline I will never see in my lifetime. It’s still more likely a headline than ‘Corbyn landslide’ but nevertheless one destined never to appear.
Ex-Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls took to the Ballsroom (geddit?) as Strictly Come Dancing kicked off series 14. Turning up in a suit, tie and perfectly laundered pocket handkerchief on Friday’s opening show, viewers were subjected to an agonising wait until the moneyman’s appearance last night.
Would he be wearing a catsuit? Sequins? Would Yves Saint Laurent’s Touche Eclat manage to hide the bags under the eyes that losing a General Election engrave upon a face? (Jeremy’s going to need Touche Eclat by the bucketload by the way, but I digress.) Would he glide, stumble or fall? Would he be doing a jive and thrill us with a kick balls change?
Would he be a big surprise or, like his description of Corbyn, turn out to be ‘devoid of connection to the reality of people’s lives’?
And so, Saturday’s big show kicked off – and Ed was still in that damned suit, his only nod to the show being a slight smattering of sequins. All that was missing was Budget Day’s red box. He was still in it for his waltz, danced to Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Come on Ed, get yer kit off for the gals! What kind of politician are you?
His waltz was like rigor mortis in transit actually, and he looked as if he was carrying a bag of potatoes on his shoulders (not to mention his stomach), but you have to admire anyone stepping so far out of their comfort zone, which is what the show should be about – not people with huge dance experience.
Judge Craig Revel Horwood was ruthless, criticising Ed’s lack of rise and fall (well, he’s used to fall!). Darcey Bussell was kinder. Len Goodman rightly said, ‘You’re what Strictly is about,’ and was ‘pleasantly surprised’, as was Bruno Tonioli. Ed scored an underimpressive 21 points, bless him, the lowest score on the night.
The biggest surprise to most people was Judge Rinder, who is not a judge but a barrister who hosts the ITV daytime courtroom show that takes his made-up name.
He is camp, clever, hilarious and has completely won me over. He is without doubt going to be the star of Strictly; with perfect rhythm and immense verve, his cha-cha, baring his chest, was the highlight. I said at the outset that I suspected this is a man who doesn’t do anything unless he knows he has a good chance of winning, and my money’s still on him.
If the jury’s still out on Ed, it’s already delivered its verdict on Judge Rinder. Guilty on all counts of being brilliant.