So predictable I was tempted to jump into the TV and start ripping out vocal cords with my bare hands
JACI STEPHEN ON THE BATTLE OF THE SATURDAY NIGHT TALENT SHOWS
TWENTY-FIVE minutes is a long time in show business. And the Saturday night ratings war is still one that both BBC1 and ITV want to win. So who switched over from Let It Shine (BBC1) to The Voice (ITV) when the shows went head to head for 25 minutes last night?
Were you gripped by the BBC show’s ‘celebrity’ judges – Gary Barlow (the one who isn’t Robbie), Dannii Minogue (the one who isn’t Kylie), Martin Kemp (the one who isn’t brother Gary), and that woman no one’s heard of who used to be in Glee?
I’m a big fan of Gary Barlow so I really wanted to like Let It Shine, which is seeking to find a five-piece boy band to appear in a stage show called… wait for it… The Band. But try as I might, I struggled. Are there just too many talent shows now? Can there be anyone left in the UK who has not auditioned for stardom? If I hear the phrase ‘This has always been my dream’ once more, I’ll jump into the TV and start ripping out vocal cords with my bare hands.
Martin Kemp’s gorgeous smile, charisma and insight raised the tone, and hosts Graham Norton and Mel Giedroyc were hilarious but, other than that, oh dear.
What was that 1970s-style opening sequence about, complete with a half-dressed Gary, dancing girls, women as secretaries and a camp hairdresser?
Then there was the judges’ balcony – straight out of New Faces circa 1988 – on which they perched uncomfortably as if they’d been trapped in a halfopened packet of Rolos. And the so-called talent was mediocre at best, with just one exception: 30year-old Jason Brock. 30! That’s a pensioner by boy-band standards. He’s also already in Thriller in the West End. He is brilliant, and if he has any sense will seek a solo recording contract.
After an hour of this and still 25 minutes more to go, 8pm could not have come around quickly enough for the start of The Voice, which ITV bought from the BBC.
Not only is it technically and visually streets ahead of its rival, it has the better gimmick.
Let It Shine relies on illuminated stars on the floor that indicate whether the contestant has impressed the judges enough to make it through to the next round.
We are supposed to be gripped with the suspense of it all as the ‘starway’ lights up, but Jaws it ain’t. The Voice retains those big chairs that face the audience during performances and swing round when a judge presses the red buzzer. Will.i.am has survived as a judge, we welcome back Sir Tom Jones (who was appallingly treated by the BBC – even I knew his contract wasn’t being renewed before he did), and newcomers Jennifer Hudson and Gavin Rossdale are on the panel.
On paper, it probably looked great. But, oh dear, there’s a thin line between rigor mortis and Rossdale – rock musician and Gwen Stefani’s ex-husband.
He’s a disaster. Every effort on the part of producers to ‘up’ his part was doomed. Not even electro-convulsive treatment could have elicited a tremor. Luckily, the beige that is Gavin was eclipsed by the brightness of the other three and makes The Voice the easy winner in this TV talent show war.