QUOTES of the week

‘He is so far down a black hole even Stephen Hawking disowned him.’

Chancellor Philip Hammond uses the Budget to crack a joke about Jeremy Corbyn – before facing criticism for increasing National Insurance for the self-employed.

‘This was a Budget for dinner parties.’

Pub boss Tim Martin condemns the Chancellor for favouring the ‘Notting Hill set’ over ordinary pub-goers.

‘I have not done any Brontë adaptations. I think they are all nutty.’

Scriptwriter Andrew Davies admits he will not be bringing Jane Eyre to the small screen.

‘I have no doubt that when I’m put in the ground eventually they will deck my grave.’

TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh apologises for encouraging the nation to replace their lawns with cheap wood.

‘Girls are entitled to drink themselves into the ground… but potential defendants to rape gravitate towards them.’

Judge Lindsey Kushner, in her final case, warns that drunk women are easy prey for sex attackers.

‘Give me a ham sandwich any day.’

Chef Marco Pierre White eschews his own creations for a simple lunch.

‘My favourite is to tell my kids that Taylor Swift’s favourite pastime is brushing her teeth.’

Strictly’s Claudia Winkleman believes all parents should tell the occasional white lie.

‘I’m not rich. Rich is having f*** you money.’

Joan Collins has a £25million fortune but insists she isn’t wealthy.

‘Trump is making me gain weight. I start the day with liquids but after the news I eat pancakes smothered in maple syrup.’

Barbra Streisand says that the President’s actions are putting her health at risk.